the cost of liberal feeling

Weddings have surrounded me. People I know getting married, going on honeymoons, getting engaged.

I've been back and forth on my opinions of marriage and my desire to be married one day.

But all this wedding stuff, all this love...

It makes me think that I want another serious relationship. I want love and I want commitment.

When I was in college I used to fall easily and fall hard. If I think about it, I have loved many different men in my life: Steven, Bobby, Chris, Ryan, Rob, Victor. Six loves. That's a lot of love. I used to be embarrassed about how easily I fell for men. I would try to downplay it to myself and my girlfriends, like it wasn't really love. Love is so subjective and it's really just a word people use fairly liberally sometimes. What I felt for most of these men was infatuation. BUT, at the time, my definition of love WAS infatuation. Now I know better. I've redefined love.

The problem is, I've lost my ability to fall. With six loves, I've experienced my fair share of unrelenting pain. It was horrible. I can't undo the fog that rests over my instincts now. I can't just trust myself. In some regards this is good, I will be hurt less. But at what cost?

I want to love.

I will be a Nomad

A lot is going on. I think the month of April is most likely cursed. All other months speed by but April is dragging on and on and on. I had surgery this month. It sucked but I am recovering. I've been more miserable than ever at my job and began experiencing physical symptoms of stress. Scary stuff. I've been pushing my friends away (not knowingly). I got a ton of medical bills in the mail that I cannot pay. And today I got in a freakin' car accident. I am okay. My car is pretty okay.

I am making some life changes. I decided yesterday that I will put my notice in at work. I can't do it anymore. My mental health is falling apart and now it's starting to impact my physical health. I am anxious about this decision but I know that it's the best one for me.

I am trying to figure out what to do next. I am contemplating a move to Canada to live with my sister for the summer. Just to get away. Do an easy, low-key, summer job. I've also been looking for jobs in Florida. How awesome would it be to live by the beach for a few years?

I still want to be a therapist. I still want to work with kids. I would prefer to do outpatient therapy. So we will see where the wind takes me. I am still trying to figure it all out.

I am nervous about not having a known or steady income. I am SO SO fortunate to have parents that are willing to help me out.

So that's where I am right now. Formulating a plan and trying to make it all work out.

The only thing that's truly holding me back is this guy I am seeing. I like him. He is amazing. I fear if I stay here I am not going to be happy. And what good is a relationship that is build on the foundation of one person's misery. I have to do this for myself.

Elasticity

I've had a lot going on. Definitely have not felt like blogging. The good thing AND the bad thing about being 'single' (as in, not married) is that I really have nobody that I am accountable to in my personal life. I've been sad and unmotivated. I've been so unmotivated that today, on my day off, I literally stayed in bed all day. I am still in bed.

Work is still hard. Everyday I am given more responsibilities. I am doing at least 3 people's jobs. I am salaried, I don't get paid overtime, yet I am expected to do a job that requires more than 40 hours per week. I stand up for myself. I let it be known that there needs to be a shift in responsibilities somewhere. Or I need to be paid overtime. Yesterday my supervisor gave me a back-handed compliment; "Even though you bitch and complain a lot, you do get your work done". Thank you? I told her that I could not guarantee that I would stop 'bitching and complaining'.

My job is hard. I work with kids who seem to never get better. No matter how hard I try. It's exhausting.

Those two things are the reason that I look for new jobs everyday.

My body is in shambles. I have some medical stuff going on. I don't want to get into the details on my blog though. I've had procedure after procedure and now I just found out that it's getting worse and I have to get yet another procedure. When will it end? Or will it? I worry. I feel sorry for myself. I have to brace myself for more physical and worse, emotional trauma.

I am dating someone. But we seem to have lost the emotional connection. I am not sure if its just because I have been so preoccupied with other things that are making me feel quite depressed...or if it is something else. He's a great great guy. He's definitely a keeper, but I fear that I already know it's not going to work out. He's getting a lot more than he bargained for, and not in a good way.

I am broke. I have 100 dollars to my name for the next 2 weeks of living. And during this time, I am going out of town. How am I supposed to make this work? How can I work so hard and not have enough money to even make ends meet?

I know things will get better in time. It's just that right now I feel like shit. I am mad at myself for poor choices I have made, I am scared, I am worried, I am stressed out, I feel incompetent, and I feel guilty. That is a lot to work with. I wish I had the money for a good therapist.

Until next time, I hope everyone else is faring better than me...

Responsibility

Before I get into my post on 'Responsibility' I would like to acknowledge that I have not blogged in a long while. It seems like I stop blogging as things in my life start to settle. The less I have to complain about the less I blog. I wish it were the other way around...

I guess the biggest update is that I am dating someone. He is charming, open, funny, weird (just like me), honest and trustworthy. He is genuine and selfless. I like him. I am not ready to blog too much about him yet. But I am sure it will come out.

I am re-reading the book "Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I am trying to read one section per night. The sections are pretty small but I really want to read it and let it permeate.

Tonight's topic is Responsibility. More specifically, about taking responsibility for the problems in our lives. The premise is that we can't solve problems when we don't even acknowledge that they are our own or when we have the mindset that someone else caused us this problem.

We do this all the time. Blame other people for our problems. Or, when other people offer us solutions, we find every reason in the book to see to it that this solution would not work. Sometimes, its just easier being miserable in our problems than solving them. It's true, solving our problems takes work, effort, energy, thought.

For a long time I thought that there wasn't really anything that I was good at. I didn't really have any hobbies or things that I really liked to do. When people asked me what my hobbies were I would exaggerate things that I did. Whenever someone would suggest something that I get involved in I would find some excuse for not doing it, yet continue to feel sorry for myself that I had no skills, nothing to call my own, be proud of. I mostly blamed my parents for not being more supportive in my quest to find interests. This past Christmas, I decided to take control, take responsibility, and sign up for guitar lessons. And I've been sticking to it. I am not the best, but I like it, and I am getting better. Now I have something to call my own.

hanging

It's 6:56am
Too early for me to be up
Writing.
I woke up depressed.
Hopeless.
Wishing for the world to dissipate around me.
I am tense and scathed.
I don't care about things that really matter.
I want out!
And quickly.
Big changes are coming my way,
but not soon enough.

Enough is Enough!

I am sitting here watching Oprah and getting a rundown on all of the high profile kids that have been abducted. And while I am watching this I am thinking about the phrase "Enough is Enough". My friend Katie planted it into my head. What does it even mean? Isn't just the word "Enough" enough? It's kinda like saying "Enough equals enough". It's just a waste of breath. But somehow, someone, somewhere cliched this for us.

So in the spirit of all the things in my life that I've had enough of, I thought I would focus on the most relevant thing: MY JOB.

I am tired of kids threatening my life; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am tired of going into work and having new duties added to my job description on a daily basis; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am tired of not being compensated for these added duties; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am tired of being cold all winter in Chicago; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am tired of struggling to make ends meet every month, especially since I work my ASS off; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

And I am tired of always complaining and never coming up with solutions; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

And since I am pretty sure the meaning behind ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! is that you should stop complaining and actually do something about it. In honor of ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!, I am looking for new jobs. I am not only looking in Chicago, but I am seriously considering moving to Florida. It's way too cold here for my liking. I am not sure how long it is going to take me to actually find a new job but at least I am looking.

That's my update.

I need to WANT you!!!

I am so disappointed tonight. I hung out with the guy I spoke of in my last post. And, again, it just didn't translate into physical connection.

How can you connect so well with someone on the phone and then it feel completely different in person?

When I left his place tonight I felt lonelier than I have in a long time.

As always, I chalk it up as a lesson learned and this time the lesson is that I need to want you! Physical chemistry is just as important to me as emotional chemistry.