keeping the blinds open

the cost of liberal feeling

2009-05-23T01:30:00.004-05:00

Weddings have surrounded me. People I know getting married, going on honeymoons, getting engaged.

I've been back and forth on my opinions of marriage and my desire to be married one day.

But all this wedding stuff, all this love...

It makes me think that I want another serious relationship. I want love and I want commitment.

When I was in college I used to fall easily and fall hard. If I think about it, I have loved many different men in my life: Steven, Bobby, Chris, Ryan, Rob, Victor. Six loves. That's a lot of love. I used to be embarrassed about how easily I fell for men. I would try to downplay it to myself and my girlfriends, like it wasn't really love. Love is so subjective and it's really just a word people use fairly liberally sometimes. What I felt for most of these men was infatuation. BUT, at the time, my definition of love WAS infatuation. Now I know better. I've redefined love.

The problem is, I've lost my ability to fall. With six loves, I've experienced my fair share of unrelenting pain. It was horrible. I can't undo the fog that rests over my instincts now. I can't just trust myself. In some regards this is good, I will be hurt less. But at what cost?

I want to love.

I will be a Nomad

2009-04-25T03:29:00.004-05:00

A lot is going on. I think the month of April is most likely cursed. All other months speed by but April is dragging on and on and on. I had surgery this month. It sucked but I am recovering. I've been more miserable than ever at my job and began experiencing physical symptoms of stress. Scary stuff. I've been pushing my friends away (not knowingly). I got a ton of medical bills in the mail that I cannot pay. And today I got in a freakin' car accident. I am okay. My car is pretty okay.

I am making some life changes. I decided yesterday that I will put my notice in at work. I can't do it anymore. My mental health is falling apart and now it's starting to impact my physical health. I am anxious about this decision but I know that it's the best one for me.

I am trying to figure out what to do next. I am contemplating a move to Canada to live with my sister for the summer. Just to get away. Do an easy, low-key, summer job. I've also been looking for jobs in Florida. How awesome would it be to live by the beach for a few years?

I still want to be a therapist. I still want to work with kids. I would prefer to do outpatient therapy. So we will see where the wind takes me. I am still trying to figure it all out.

I am nervous about not having a known or steady income. I am SO SO fortunate to have parents that are willing to help me out.

So that's where I am right now. Formulating a plan and trying to make it all work out.

The only thing that's truly holding me back is this guy I am seeing. I like him. He is amazing. I fear if I stay here I am not going to be happy. And what good is a relationship that is build on the foundation of one person's misery. I have to do this for myself.

Elasticity

2009-03-27T21:06:00.001-05:00

I've had a lot going on. Definitely have not felt like blogging. The good thing AND the bad thing about being 'single' (as in, not married) is that I really have nobody that I am accountable to in my personal life. I've been sad and unmotivated. I've been so unmotivated that today, on my day off, I literally stayed in bed all day. I am still in bed.

Work is still hard. Everyday I am given more responsibilities. I am doing at least 3 people's jobs. I am salaried, I don't get paid overtime, yet I am expected to do a job that requires more than 40 hours per week. I stand up for myself. I let it be known that there needs to be a shift in responsibilities somewhere. Or I need to be paid overtime. Yesterday my supervisor gave me a back-handed compliment; "Even though you bitch and complain a lot, you do get your work done". Thank you? I told her that I could not guarantee that I would stop 'bitching and complaining'.

My job is hard. I work with kids who seem to never get better. No matter how hard I try. It's exhausting.

Those two things are the reason that I look for new jobs everyday.

My body is in shambles. I have some medical stuff going on. I don't want to get into the details on my blog though. I've had procedure after procedure and now I just found out that it's getting worse and I have to get yet another procedure. When will it end? Or will it? I worry. I feel sorry for myself. I have to brace myself for more physical and worse, emotional trauma.

I am dating someone. But we seem to have lost the emotional connection. I am not sure if its just because I have been so preoccupied with other things that are making me feel quite depressed...or if it is something else. He's a great great guy. He's definitely a keeper, but I fear that I already know it's not going to work out. He's getting a lot more than he bargained for, and not in a good way.

I am broke. I have 100 dollars to my name for the next 2 weeks of living. And during this time, I am going out of town. How am I supposed to make this work? How can I work so hard and not have enough money to even make ends meet?

I know things will get better in time. It's just that right now I feel like shit. I am mad at myself for poor choices I have made, I am scared, I am worried, I am stressed out, I feel incompetent, and I feel guilty. That is a lot to work with. I wish I had the money for a good therapist.

Until next time, I hope everyone else is faring better than me...

Responsibility

2009-03-02T00:25:00.002-06:00

Before I get into my post on 'Responsibility' I would like to acknowledge that I have not blogged in a long while. It seems like I stop blogging as things in my life start to settle. The less I have to complain about the less I blog. I wish it were the other way around...

I guess the biggest update is that I am dating someone. He is charming, open, funny, weird (just like me), honest and trustworthy. He is genuine and selfless. I like him. I am not ready to blog too much about him yet. But I am sure it will come out.

I am re-reading the book "Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I am trying to read one section per night. The sections are pretty small but I really want to read it and let it permeate.

Tonight's topic is Responsibility. More specifically, about taking responsibility for the problems in our lives. The premise is that we can't solve problems when we don't even acknowledge that they are our own or when we have the mindset that someone else caused us this problem.

We do this all the time. Blame other people for our problems. Or, when other people offer us solutions, we find every reason in the book to see to it that this solution would not work. Sometimes, its just easier being miserable in our problems than solving them. It's true, solving our problems takes work, effort, energy, thought.

For a long time I thought that there wasn't really anything that I was good at. I didn't really have any hobbies or things that I really liked to do. When people asked me what my hobbies were I would exaggerate things that I did. Whenever someone would suggest something that I get involved in I would find some excuse for not doing it, yet continue to feel sorry for myself that I had no skills, nothing to call my own, be proud of. I mostly blamed my parents for not being more supportive in my quest to find interests. This past Christmas, I decided to take control, take responsibility, and sign up for guitar lessons. And I've been sticking to it. I am not the best, but I like it, and I am getting better. Now I have something to call my own.

hanging

2009-02-08T06:56:00.001-06:00

It's 6:56am
Too early for me to be up
Writing.
I woke up depressed.
Hopeless.
Wishing for the world to dissipate around me.
I am tense and scathed.
I don't care about things that really matter.
I want out!
And quickly.
Big changes are coming my way,
but not soon enough.

Enough is Enough!

2009-02-06T00:04:00.002-06:00

I am sitting here watching Oprah and getting a rundown on all of the high profile kids that have been abducted. And while I am watching this I am thinking about the phrase "Enough is Enough". My friend Katie planted it into my head. What does it even mean? Isn't just the word "Enough" enough? It's kinda like saying "Enough equals enough". It's just a waste of breath. But somehow, someone, somewhere cliched this for us.

So in the spirit of all the things in my life that I've had enough of, I thought I would focus on the most relevant thing: MY JOB.

I am tired of kids threatening my life; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am tired of going into work and having new duties added to my job description on a daily basis; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am tired of not being compensated for these added duties; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am tired of being cold all winter in Chicago; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am tired of struggling to make ends meet every month, especially since I work my ASS off; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

And I am tired of always complaining and never coming up with solutions; ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

And since I am pretty sure the meaning behind ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! is that you should stop complaining and actually do something about it. In honor of ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!, I am looking for new jobs. I am not only looking in Chicago, but I am seriously considering moving to Florida. It's way too cold here for my liking. I am not sure how long it is going to take me to actually find a new job but at least I am looking.

That's my update.

I need to WANT you!!!

2009-02-01T02:20:00.001-06:00

I am so disappointed tonight. I hung out with the guy I spoke of in my last post. And, again, it just didn't translate into physical connection.

How can you connect so well with someone on the phone and then it feel completely different in person?

When I left his place tonight I felt lonelier than I have in a long time.

As always, I chalk it up as a lesson learned and this time the lesson is that I need to want you! Physical chemistry is just as important to me as emotional chemistry.

the two core foundations of love?

2009-01-31T01:46:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about the disconnect that can happen in relationships. The way I see it, there are two major areas of connection between two people in a romantic relationship: emotional and physical. I am sure there are a lot more smaller categories, but these seem to be the biggies.

I wonder what the likelihood is of people connecting, to all their needs and wants, 100% on both levels. There has GOT to be a give and take with that. For instance, I have dated many men that I am over the moon attracted to. They could look at me and I would be weak in my knees. But when I honestly evaluate those relationships, I know that there was a lot to be desired with our emotional connections. Many times, I have been fulfilled physically. After all, when you meet someone that is the first thing that you evaluate. If you don't have that, it usually never makes it to the next level of exploring an emotional connection...right? And physical connection can be a variety of things besides just plain 'looks'. There are so many unconscious things that go into physical attraction; posture, voice, mannerisms, etc.

So then comes the phenomenon of internet dating and the rules completely change. No longer does the evaluation of physical attraction come first. Sure, you may have a picture or two of this seemingly perfect guy, but there is no way for you to know if you will be attracted to the things that you can't tell through a picture. What does this mean for the dating world? You may emotionally connect with an internet man over IMing or phone calls, but what if it doesn't translate into the physical connection?

What if you meet a guy online and you connect with him so well. You can talk to him about anything and everything. You can be brutally honest with him. You can actually be yourself and he still WANTS to talk to you. What if he makes you feel more emotionally fulfilled than anybody ever has before? And what if you meet him in person and his mannerisms are slightly off, and his voice has infliction that is not comfortable to you? And he's handsome, but you aren't weak at the knees when you see him.

Is the emotional connection enough? I know the physical connection can grow with time. The more time I spend with him, the more I will know. I am just frustrated because he's so GREAT and the things that I am not sure about are so minimal that it's SHALLOW of me to even be bothered by it.

Emotionally, this is the type of guy I want to spend my life with.

My struggles

2009-01-25T01:58:00.002-06:00

I struggle with this blog. I become frustrated that I mostly talk about dating and my relationships. I want to be about more than that. But on the same token, I know that for me, the value of life is in the relationships that I form. I think it's important to understand the patterns that we form in relationships. It's important to understand what our needs are and where they come from. Some people don't need this exploration. But I do. So I am going to just accept the fact that my blog is mostly about dating. I am going to allow myself to explore it more. Help myself see my patterns. The truth is, I struggle with relationships. In all forms. I struggle with friendships, I struggle with my professional relationships, family relationship and I think that all of those life struggles manifest themselves in a big way in my romantic relationships.

So about 2 weeks ago I decided not to date for a month. Not to have prospects. I wanted to see how it felt. It actually feels good. I even met this great guy a few weeks ago who asked me out on a date. I said no. I am at this point where I am just so exhausted. Dating is hard. And I have so many other things going on right now. Work is consuming my life. I constantly think about work. I am trying to learn guitar and I want to focus on that more. I want to make time for myself. Not to mention, I am loving some of the friendships that I am forming, and I am happy in that.

These past two weeks I have felt lonely sometimes. Sometimes I find myself focusing on Piano Man and becoming upset. I find myself doing the 'poor me' thing. I do that. (So that's one of my distortions that I want to figure out. I have ideas, but I will save that for another post) And the feelings that I am attaching to Piano Man aren't really about Piano Man. I get that.

I went out last night and had way too many drinks. Later, I was talking to my friend and what came out was that I don't feel like I am worth someone fighting for. I don't think that there is anything very special about myself. I am a good person; I care about other people...but that's about the extent of it. I think I deserve good things. But I also feel like I am nothing special. I feel like there are tons of people out there that are equal to or better than I am in a lot of ways. So when I am in a relationship with someone, and they end up leaving, it makes sense to me. I am nothing special. So obviously this is a self-worth issue. Where did things go wrong? Do other people feel this way? Did my parents not point out my strengths enough? Is it because I lack obvious strengths? Is it because I didn't build solid skills when I was a kid and therefore haven't done it as an adult? Is my lack of self-worth based in reality or is it something that I have created for myself? How do I build it? I think I have already started addressing this issue. I took up guitar....

When I was home for Christmas I took an interest in my dad's guitar. I thought that I would like to learn how to play. I told my mom that I was going to take the guitar back with me and take lessons. Her response? "No you won't". She didn't think I would actually do it. My emotional response to this was interesting. I had to walk away, I went to my room and I just bawled for a few minutes. I think whenever something causes such a reaction it's worth thinking about and figuring out where it is coming from.

So anyways, I am building skills. That will help. But I definitely need to figure out what my strengths are and realize that I do have them! Because at this point, my list of strengths is minimal...

Tasks
1. Understand the meaning behind the 'poor me' mentality. Change it.
2. Figure out what I really need to be happy with someone else.
3. Make a list of 10 strengths that I have.

mmmmhmmmm

2009-01-18T02:21:00.001-06:00

satiating anger

2009-01-15T01:21:00.003-06:00

I wasn't going to go into detail about what happened with Piano Man. Over the past few days I have realized that I am really angry about it though. Not that I had formed a strong enough bond with him to be hurt, but I think angry describes my feeling perfectly.

Basically, he stopped calling me because I wouldn't have sex with him. The more detailed version of that involves some pressure from him and me telling him that, at the very least, I would have to know he wasn't sleeping with other people. Apparently he is. Or at least he didn't want to give up the option.

I am angry at the way it was handled. I respect the fact that he didn't lie to me. He's not leading me on. That's good. I just feel like I deserved a phone call saying that he wasn't looking for the same thing as me. I mean, right? I hung out with this guy four times over the course of 3 weeks. We were intimate. He held my hand for crying out loud when we took a walk one night...

So I am angry. And I wanted to just let it go. But my occasional way of managing my feelings of anger is to say something nice. So I texted him tonight and I don't expect to hear back from him. This is what I said: "I just wanted to say that even though we did not know each other very well I think I deserved more than you just not talking to me anymore. I do appreciate that you did not lead me on though. Good luck with your music, you are very talented, good things will come your way."

It may not have been the right thing to do. He may think I am silly for texting him a week and a half later but I've learned that if I am doing it for myself, to help myself, then nothing else matters. It's really not about him. It's about me.

In the end, he will be someone I will hardly remember. For now, he made me angry and he treated me with a lack of respect. I know I deserve better. And I told him. And I feel better.

UPDATE: Wow, I am floored. He replied. I immediately felt my eyes flood when I read it. There is something about this text that pulled at my heart string and left me feeling confused. "Yeah u did deserve more than that..and for that im sorry...u are a wonderful person...and im better for having met you...i wish u the best"

First of all, it was nice. He apologized. That got me. Secondly, he acknowledged that I am WORTHY. Thank you thank you thank you! Lastly, he complimented me. His compliments upset me. He's a better person for having met me? Really? I mean, come on! I wish that were true. If only I could impact people so positively in a matter of days. He tells me that I am wonderful. But really he is saying 'you aren't wonderful enough'. That's okay. I can accept that.

sigh...

fun

2009-01-12T00:23:00.002-06:00

sleeping pills to numb the night

2009-01-11T00:12:00.002-06:00

I am falling. I feel myself. It's not a good fall either. It's slow and it's painful. Very painful. Raw pain. Pain that comes from somewhere within that you didn't know existed. Pain that you can't quite figure out. Pain that is exhausting to think about and numbing to feel.

There's a lot that goes into this. Dealing with a death. Dealing with the emotions of 8 abused girls. Dealing with being a leader and having people dislike me. Dealing with rejection. Dealing with the analysis of my own self-worth.

I've spent as much time as I can (without going nuts!) thinking about the way I feel about myself. Because I am convinced that with the way I am behaving, I must be feeling pretty crappy about my core being. But when I think about it, there are so many things that I LIKE about myself. I've always said, and I will continue to say, that I think I am pretty great and anybody would be lucky to have me. But wait...as soon as I typed that I thought about the 'except for's. Yikes. See blogging really does help!

Except for: how I dramatize things, how some things I take too seriously, how I need almost constant validation and compassion, how I internalize all the bad (but I internalize the good too), I tend to make others feel bad when I feel bad....

So anyways, the point of this whole post was originally to talk about how I've been taking sleeping pills every night again in order to protect myself from having to lay in bed and think about all the things in my life that I feel sorry for myself about. I was going to say how unhealthy this is. How I am numbing myself. How doing this is kinda like pushing fast forward on my life and how pushing fast forward is kinda like committing partial suicide. But just thinking about that is exhausting me. And if you are even still reading this then props to you, because if I exhaust myself I must exhaust others.

I want someone else to make me feel like I am worthy. But how can I make myself feel worthy?

My friend Katie talked through this with me. I am not going to date for one month. My friend, Pam, pointed out that since V and I broke up, I have ALWAYS had SOMEONE in my life. Whether it be someone I am talking to, someone I am dating or just a prospect. There has always been someone else I can focus on besides myself.

It's like I almost don't feel alive or real if I don't have someone that needs me or depends on me or that is supposed to consider me in almost everything. I don't really know. I can't pinpoint the exact feeling of desperation. Where it's coming from. Why? What it means and how to make it stop.

The next month is just about me. All me. No dating. No prospects. Next time I start to feel desperate like I want to text Hot Piano Man, or call my ex, or carouse the online dating profiles, instead of doing it, I will actually try to figure out what the feeling is about. Where is comes from and what I am thinking about to make me feel so desperate.

Sorry for this rambling post. It's my own therapy.

2009

2008-12-26T18:00:00.002-06:00

There will be lots of happenings in 2009. I am excited for this new year. I am mostly excited for the unknown. There are so many things that I am hoping for, and for once, there is nothing standing in my way. The possibilities are limitless.

1. I am taking up guitar. My first lesson is on Jan 2. I am ready and willing to work through the PAIN of learning guitar.

2. I am taking up yoga. For those of you who know me, you know I don't work out. I have some really great friends that are forcing me to start yoga (mostly because they know that it's something I WANT to do but just need a push to do it).

3. Depending on how yoga goes, I am hoping to start meditation classes as well.

4. I will sit for my exam to receive my LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) license. I currently have my LSW. Once I have the 'clinical' portion, my career possibilities broaden. I can supervise people, I can do private practice work....

5. I will try to find a new job.

6. In the spring/summer I will be making a decision on whether or not I am going to stay in Chicago for the next few years. This will be based on a lot of different things but right now I would fancy living in Florida for a few years.

7. I am hoping to find love again. Duh! Although, I must say that I am patient and very happy with where I am now.

the melting pot of emotion

2008-12-23T14:32:00.000-06:00

I am numb. I am happy. I am sad. But mostly I am numb.

1. Spoke to Piano Man a couple times. We have plans when I get back from the holidays. I am very very excited about this. Happy.

2. Someone I know committed suicide yesterday. I can't stop thinking about it. While it consumes my thoughts, I don't FEEL anything. I am numb.

3. Christmas is in 2 days. Merry Christmas.

Is it YOU or is it ME?

2008-12-19T00:45:00.000-06:00

I hung out with Hot Piano Man on Tuesday. We talked about everything and I had a really good time. In the end however, I need help figuring this guy out.

Our conversations covered family, dreams, jobs, religion and politics. He seems to have a great family, dreams of music that I believe he can accomplish, an array of jobs that suite him just perfectly, in tune with my religious and political beliefs. He was great. Although, he did throw in there a comment about him leaving to travel Europe in March. I encouraged this. Anybody who has an opportunity to travel should DO IT. Although, I couldn't help but feel like it was a bit of a subtle warning: 'I'm not going to be around forever'.

We had a great night, I spent the night. In the morning when I said I was leaving he said goodbye to me and without getting out of bed he said, 'Have fun in St. Louis' (I am home now for the holidays). I guess I wanted him to say: 'Let's hang when you get back' or 'I'll call you'. As I walked myself to the door I had a slight sensation of sinking hope.

A few hours later he texted me and said, 'U left ur glasses'. Alas, I did. My glasses were at his place, glasses that I need before my travels to St. Louis. I call him and try to arrange a pick up. He was working that night and offered to just leave them at the front desk for me to pick up. This plan automatically made me feel defensive and rejected (girls, eh?). I asked him about the following day. He hesitated and said that I could come by at 5 to pick them up but that he had something at 6. I could hear the anxiety in his voice. I just said 'Ok, I'll call you tomorrow'.

I decided later that I don't really need to see him. Fuck it, I texted him and said that I wouldn't have time to pick them up the following day and I asked him if he wouldn't mind just leaving them at the desk for me to pick up that night. He responded with 'sure'. And that's the last I've heard from him.

I know I have a tendency to over analyze things. I just FELT the hesitation! Is he uninterested? Did it freak him out that I left my glasses there? Is he just being a guy? Is it over? Will he call? Do I care?

The Art of Dating

2008-12-14T21:13:00.002-06:00

I am not really sure what the rules are here. I've always been a one man kinda woman. Don't get me wrong, I would never cheat, but if I am just dating it's okay to see more than one guy at a time, right?

I decided to give Guy 1 a shot. It's hard for me to tell where my feelings end and my anxieties begin. So I spent all night on Thursday talking to Guy 1 on the phone and I felt really good about just letting things unfold as they will. Just as I was starting to accept having feelings for #1, I went out with some friends on Friday night and met 'Hot Piano Man'. OH.MY.GOD. He is gorgeous, fun, sweet (maybe a little too sweet?) and a musician to boot. We spend a lot of the night getting to know each other and he called me last night. We are going to hang out again on Tuesday. (That is, if he doesn't cancel like #2 did [see previous post]).

I am a little nervous about Hot Piano Man because he seems to know all the right things to say and do. That can be a tell-tale red flag. However, I refuse to let myself jump to conclusions about his intentions and I plan on getting to know him better. Who says charisma has to be a bad thing?

The downfall is that I naturally become excited, and often times I am left disappointed. Like #2, for example; he TEXTED me to cancel the date and asked to reschedule, however he never replied to my response text. (Note: DO NOT under ANY circumstances cancel a date via TEXT). I understand that this is part of the dating process, but I hate this part. I wish I could just let myself be excited but vulnerability is it's bed-mate and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

So back to my original reason for this post: what are the rules on dating? Do I have to disclose that I am seeing other people? Do I only disclose if I am asked? What if I think it is less serious than he does and I hurt him?

Trust me, if I ever started developing serious feelings for anybody I would immediately stop seeing other people, but at this point, I have yet to meet anybody that has swept me off my feet (high hopes for Hot Piano Man).

People say I am hard to read

2008-12-11T02:01:00.002-06:00

I am up and down and all around. I am the ultimate dancer in the dreaded and loved 'dance of intimacy'; just when you think I might be getting close, I pull away. Just when I think I need my space, I attach. In and out, back and forth. This, in some regards, is healthy and normal. We all do it, it's part of human nature to want to be close to someone and then to need distance. At what point does it become toxic though?

I am on a roller coaster right now. I am not even sure which way is up. There is a high likelihood this post will make little sense.

I have been talking to this guy (1) for a couple months now. We mostly talk and don't actually see each other frequently. He is great in so many ways. I like him when I want to be close and I push him away when I need my space. It's not nice. As much as I want to have an intimate relationship again, I realize that it's not going to be with 1. I don't want to lead him on, I don't want to hurt him. Honesty is the best policy but in true Blinds fashion I will just push and push until I either a). frustrate him so much that he will cut things off with me or b). I magnify a little issue into a big one for the purpose of using that as a reason that we should not talk anymore. Most likely I will choose path b. I guess I could consider path 'c' which would be to just tell him the damn truth. That's too hard and too scary.

I have a date tomorrow. He is 2. I don't have that great of a feeling about this one. I met him at a bar. We dance dance danced allllll night long. We talked for a bit and he described himself as "Christian". I was worried about the religious factor. He knows I am not religious. He still asked me out to dinner. He never called until 2 nights ago when I got a text...'still up for dinner?' he says, as if no time had passed. Confused, yet curious, I accepted the dinner invite but not without a jab at his late follow-up: 'I guess the three day rule doesn't apply to you?' No response to my jab, just a 'how about Thursday?' So tomorrow I go out to dinner with him. I am excited but I tread with extreme caution. There is already one red flag.

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years today. I don't know her sans-boyfriend but I think we will become close. I have so much respect for her. She is strong and brave and I strive to be more like her.

Work is stressing me out. I love it and I hate it. I can feel the pressure seek into my body. It can't be healthy. I wish I could have a permanent vacation.

My brother got married last weekend. I love his wife! I loved being in Florida for the wedding. I loved meeting new people. I hated the family stress that went along with it. Why do we all have to be so stubborn? It's like a gross desire for self-abuse.

My friends keep me sane. I have made some irreplaceable friends at work and without that support I would be much deeper in that I already am.

I am thinking about a career change. Maybe opening a business? I don't know if this is a response to stress or a valid exploration of self.

If I could have one wish it would be for me to be happy always.

As much as I complain about being single, part of me likes the unknown aspect of the status. I know great things are in store for me. I know I will love and I will be loved. It's like, as a child, just before you open a Christmas present; you know it's going to be great but you just don't know how great yet. Sometimes though,being in the dark is better than knowing, because if you don't know, at least you still have hope.

Hope is my saving grace (along with my friends).

I think I might be crossing the line....

2008-12-01T02:00:00.000-06:00

I don't want to cross the line. Things are just so blurry right now and the line is subjective, which doesn't help.

Here Comes The Bride

2008-11-26T00:44:00.000-06:00

I have been disturbingly uninspired lately.

You Who Never Arrived

2008-11-22T00:16:00.000-06:00

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, seperate, in the evening...

Rainer Maria Rilke

Spotlighting the great 'Sense of Humor'

2008-11-16T12:21:00.002-06:00

Everybody's sense of humor is different. I would describe myself as sarcastic and, for lack of a better word, weird. I am typically hard pressed to find someone who gets my sense of humor. I've been lucky though, I have made friends that really get me. I have friends that know exactly what I mean when I end a conversation with "clam chowder". They know what I mean without me having to explain it. And it's funny.

I like to play a game called that 'what if' game. It's silly and somewhat immature but it makes me laugh and it makes me think. While playing this game, each player thinks about a what if situation. Examples include: what if we all had 3 legs; what if it was illegal to say more than 100 sentences per day; what if our hair was edible etc. You get the point. Then after the situation is created the two players have a conversation about the implications of this. It gets crazy! Most of you will probably think I am ridiculous but I do have one friend who is exactly like me in this regard. Kate's sense of humor is the SAME as mine. I urge you to check out this post by her to get a real sense of classic Blinds/Kate humor.

Saturday Inspiration

2008-11-15T18:44:00.000-06:00

This is Heartbreak

2008-11-13T03:08:00.000-06:00

Discuss.

Taken for Granted Life Lesson #46

2008-11-12T02:30:00.002-06:00

Today I taught someone how to wipe their ass (butt, bottom, behind? I am not really sure of the PC way to say this). I demonstrated on a stuffed animal. How chic am I?

I guess knowing how to wipe is something that most of us take for granted. When you don't have parents to teach you, you are left to figure things out on your own. Often times, with dire consequences.

Just thought I would share.

Pero quiero tostadas, no moros y cristianos

2008-11-09T22:46:00.002-06:00

I partly immersed myself in Cuban culture last night. S, G, M and I ventured out to Habana Libre in Chicago's Noble Square neighborhood. All I really wanted were tostadas. As a child, my friend's Cuban father used to fry these bad boys up for us. I was hoping to revisit my elementary-aged days.

If I could sum this experience up in one word it would be 'garlic-y'. Everything was doused in garlic. My God, Cuba, control yourselves. G ordered the yucca root on a whim and discovered a dish of french fry looking sticks with a side of garlic. Yes, a small cup of garlic. I don't know who wouldn't love dipping their yucca root in garlic....

Now, I am being mean and judgmental. I should really stop. We all ordered our food and waited and waited and waited and finally received our food with a disclaimer...'we are all out of rice and beans'. Disappointed we were but somewhere there was a miscommunication (or the restaurant changed their minds upon hearing us threaten yelping) because we ended up getting 4 plates of rice and four bowls of black beans on our table. Generous, no doubt.

G, M and S liked their food. I wasn't too crazy about it but that's not a big surprise there. All I really wanted were my tostadas which I didn't get. Goodbye childhood nostalgia (thanks for nothing Habana Libre).

Like any good blogger would do, I interviewed my comrades in the field after the Cuban experience. G commented on his $25 sandwich saying "It was good, but not $25 good." Touche, G, touche. (Sidenote, you can find G here. Catch up on your graphic design and advertising news. It's really interesting. No, really.) I think I put too much pressure on M to give me a good quote because all he could muster up was, "I had the fajitas." I wish I could give him an opportunity to redeem himself...

A closet slob

2008-11-08T00:46:00.002-06:00

I am a closet slob.

Awhile back a guy that I work with fixed my brakes on my old car. He just offered to do it when he heard my squeaking breaks, I was not prepared. My car, like normal, was a MESS. Trash everywhere, old mail, clothing, shoes...you name it, it was probably in my car. After he fixed my brakes he commented on the state of my car. He said that he was surprised because I am so well put together at work.

If you only knew me professionally, or was only an acquaintance of mine, you may make assumptions about my personal life that don't necessarily hold up. I am a closet slob. It is very very difficult for me to keep my place clean. Every now and then I will be in a cleaning mood and I will clean the crap out of everything. I always vow to keep things looking this way. It never lasts.

Before people come over I always clean. I wouldn't want people to know that I live with my bed unmade on a daily basis. That before I shower I undress in the bathroom and usually leave my clothes on the bathroom floor, maybe for days. That I have a really hard time hanging up my clothes. That I hate taking out the trash. I do not enjoy sweeping or vacuuming either. Not to say that I don't do these things. I force myself to do some of them. But I hate it. So please, never just stop by unannounced. I will panic. I may not let you in.

Tonight I was tolerant of cleaning and knew that I needed to clean my kitchen. I got out my cleaner and cleaned the counters, bleached the sink and wiped down the stove and oven. Shortly thereafter I developed a raging headache. I still have it. I am convinced that cleaning supplies give me terrible headaches. Tomorrow I want to tackle the bathroom but I don't want to spend the day with a headache. Are there suggestions for cleaning without developing a headache? Should I buy a mask? Are there special cleaning supplies that are less toxic?

Help!

"A new dawn of American leadership is at hand."

2008-11-05T01:15:00.002-06:00

The emotion running through everybody tonight was insurmountable. I can't tell you how many people texted me or messaged me and told me that they cried; men and women alike. There is no question of the historical implications of this election. This election means many things to many different people in this country and around the world.

One thing that is very hard to do is to instill a sense of hope in people. Hope cannot be given away, it can only come from within an individual through inspiration and belief. Barack Obama has led so many people to the hope within themselves. Without hope we don't have much and "a new dawn of American leadership" holds real meaning when it is accompanied by the belief that a better future will come. We have Obama to thank for his "unyielding hope". For touching us in such a way that helped so many of us look within ourselves and have real moments of self-discovery.

Two friends separately made comments to me tonight about the possibility that it might be okay to be an American now. There is no question that it will be a long road but America has gone against the grain tonight. This makes me believe in so much.

“It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.”

I wish I was in Grant Park right now

2008-11-04T22:20:00.001-06:00

To celebrate our next President!

Not my wedding

2008-11-04T01:46:00.001-06:00

My good friend is getting married in May. I am a bridesmaid. Today I got the bridesmaid dress in the mail. I was initially concerned about the color choice, however when I received the dress and saw that it was a combo of grey and purple I changed my mind and decided that I liked it. I think she was going for more of a "My Best Friend's Wedding" bridesmaid purple. While I am not too keen on strapless (there is a good chance someone will get flashed on this night) I am happy to oblige my friend for one night.

And no, I am not the least bit jealous that she has found true love and can't wait to spend the rest of her life with him.

November Goals

2008-11-03T00:20:00.003-06:00

I am trying to think back on my intentions of starting a blog. I believe that I was extremely stressed out and needed a place where I could complain. My blog address speaks loud and clearly about what I was going through. I was interviewing for job after job and continuously getting rejected. I felt like I had nothing to do with my time, I was bored and angry.

Then after V and I broke up in May, I reluctantly admit that this blog became more about men. It is frustrating when I look back on my old posts and see nothing but posts about this guy and that guy. It's important that I have a place to talk about those experiences, but there is so much more to me than my quest for true love.

That being said, for the month of November, my goal is to not blog about dating. This may disappoint some of you who enjoy the unpredictable course of my dating life. For that, I apologize.

First on the agenda is to briefly talk about sleeping pills. Some of you may not know that I am an insomniac, a creature of the night. I have been since I can remember. This is a difficult battle because I love the night yet I need sleep to function at work. My solution for a few years now has been OTC sleeping pills. They definitely do the trick of putting me in a state of wooziness.

I equate sleeping pills with drugs and alcohol for a number of reasons. I would like to elaborate on 2 of those.

1. When I take these pills I tend to get very hungry. I have to eat something, pronto! This is a lose-lose situation. If I don't eat I will stay up thinking about how hungry I am. If I do eat, I run the risk of becoming energized. I figure since I am going to lose either way, I might as well eat. Tonight I made pancakes. They were delicious.

2. Sometimes I made bad decisions when I take these pills. Similarly to when I am drinking, my judgment is poor. I have been known to send emails to ex's, make phone calls I partially regret, and make super creative postsecret postcards.

So if you ever want to catch me in a state of vulnerability just call me on a weeknight around midnight.

Seen Around Chicago

2008-11-02T01:49:00.002-05:00

Today I am driving down Diversey and I look over and see this sign:

I am automatically shocked at the concept that someone would be proud to say they are promoting gentrification. I couldn't help but take a picture of it while I thought about the meaning of this "Gentrification Wrecking Co".

It wasn't until just a few minutes ago, when I uploaded the picture on my computer, and saw it in bigger form, that I noticed that it looks like the words "gentrification" and "for the rich" are painted on over something else. I was somewhat relieved that this was not a real wrecking company.

Bravo to the person that is bringing attention to the issue of gentrification!

For those of you that don't know, gentirification, as defined by dictionary.com is: the buying and renovation of houses and stores in deteriorated urban neighborhoods by upper- or middle-income families or individuals, thus improving property values but often displacing low-income families and small businesses.

Social Work ain't for the Money

2008-11-01T00:32:00.000-05:00

I spent this Hallow Eve in my apartment. My apartment that I can barely afford. I spent the evening in and out of tears. I wallowed in and out of feeling sorry for myself.

I am a social worker. I hardly make enough money to make ends meet. In fact, I don't make enough money to make ends meet. Between rent, car payments, utilities, food, gas for my car, student loan payments and medical bills it seems like I will never be out of debt.

I never thought I would be someone that would worry so much about money. I have never had to worry before. Just getting a bill in the mail, an unexpected bill, saying you owe $220 is enough to ruin a whole week.

How do I afford this? What do I cut back on? Do I not eat? Do I not go to my kickball game in the city tomorrow and try to save on gas?

I become angry because I work my ASS off for these kids. I am definitely not paid enough for what I do! I don't want to be greedy but it's so frustrating when I can't even pay my bills.

Thanks for listening.

My day has come.

2008-10-22T00:35:00.004-05:00

trash

2008-10-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

What is it about the act of taking the trash out, throwing it in the dumpster and walking away that makes me feel like I have a whole new lease on life?

Things like this just make the lonely feeling worse

2008-10-18T02:25:00.001-05:00

Friend (2:04:28 AM): hi you
Blinds (2:04:39 AM): hey
Friend (2:05:34 AM): i misssss you
Blinds (2:08:09 AM): are you drunk?
Friend (2:08:51 AM): nver!!!!!
Blinds (2:10:08 AM): ha
Friend (2:13:04 AM): you loveee me dont you?
Blinds (2:13:24 AM): how much have you had?
Friend (2:13:29 AM): enough
Friend (2:13:49 AM): enough to know we neer made out and really should have
Blinds (2:14:38 AM): haha you are a riot
Blinds (2:15:02 AM): you coulda had me, but you were too caught up with jamie
Friend (2:16:52 AM): yes i know
Friend (2:17:13 AM): i made a mistake waht can i say?
Blinds (2:18:15 AM): anyways...
Friend (2:18:21 AM): no not anyways
Friend (2:18:24 AM): let's move to the same city
Friend (2:18:26 AM): let's date now
Blinds (2:18:56 AM): i think you need some sleep, eh?
Friend (2:19:08 AM): no i dont
Friend (2:19:11 AM): i am going to be up for a while
Friend (2:19:14 AM): let's talk about this
Friend (2:19:17 AM): i can move to chicago
Blinds (2:20:27 AM): what am I supposed to say to that?
Friend (2:21:18 AM): dont know
Friend (2:21:27 AM): but if i moved there could i take you out?
Blinds (2:21:54 AM): no dude. we are way past that. we are friends now.
Friend (2:21:57 AM): wow
Friend (2:22:00 AM): way past taht?
Friend (2:22:17 AM): why does it have to be that way? such a definiing line
Blinds (2:22:28 AM): it was 4 years ago
Friend (2:22:34 AM): and.... so?
Friend (2:22:42 AM): you are single yeah? and i am definitely single...
Friend (2:22:57 AM): what exactly would be the harm?
Blinds (2:23:29 AM): No harm, just that I don't feel that way about you. I am sorry
Friend (2:23:40 AM): ack! wow

Hit the Road Jack

2008-10-17T23:57:00.001-05:00

There is someone whom I have let into my life that is like a parasite. I need to get him out of my life. Soon. I haven't really told anybody that I let this person back in. I knew at the time that it was a bad idea. I thought it would help me through a period of feeling really lonely. It hasn't. What it has done is made me feel used and unappreciated. It's made me feel like I am never going to meet anybody that treats me the way I deserve to be treated. He sucks everything out of me, yet he is magnetic to me. It's going to be a challenge to say goodbye to him, especially when he will be pulling me in even harder. The thing is, there are things about him that I absolutely love and adore. Things that I want desperately to find in a man. However, there is a part of him that I loathe and that make me feel horrible. I know that the bad outweighs the good, but that doesn't mean that its going to be easy.

How do you walk away from someone who can make you feel so good and so bad at the same time?

The Looking Glass

2008-10-09T00:03:00.002-05:00

As a therapist, I am trained to see all behavior as meaningful. Any little thing you do says something about your thoughts and your feelings. Because after all...

Thoughts -----> Feelings -------> Behavior

Duh.

My point is that the guy that got away, the one with a girlfriend, added me as a friend on Facebook today.

Innocent add? Meaningful add?

My thoughts: Clearly he has been thinking about me. To actually search for me on Facebook and add me? However, what is the message that he is trying to send me? That is up for interpretation.

a. Lets be friends.

b. We will never be together. Look at my profile picture and see how happy I am with my new girlfriend.

c. I am thinking about you and I want you to know that I am thinking about you.

d. Look how ugly my new girlfriend is, clearly I would rather be with you. Please fight a little harder for me and I will probably break down eventually.

e. In your face, bitch! You treated me like I was just a passing thought and now I want to rub all my happiness in your face.

Forum for Complaints

2008-09-30T00:55:00.004-05:00

I need a venue to vent. It's one of those days where every little thing gets on my nerves.

1. Why do people make shady decisions? Decisions that have no sound basis. Why do politics have to be involved everywhere we go?

2. I am really upset because my hands look like I have chicken pox scars. From all the assaults at work, my hands have little red dots all over them. Some of them look like they've healed. It looks like I am going to have scars all over my hands. This really pisses me off. I am going to have scars on my hands and wrist for a job where I am not appreciated. I've used a whole tube of neosporin in hopes of avoiding scars. Clearly didn't work.

3. Kitty litter. I am getting really annoyed with my cat's kitty litter. He tracks it all over the house and its always sticking to the bottom of my feet. Then when I get into bed, I track it from my feet onto my bed. Therefore I am sleeping with kitty litter. How gross. I just spent an hour sweeping yesterday and today it's all over the house again. What can I do about this? I have one of those mats outside the litter that is supposed to catch the stray litter. Clearly it's not doing its job.

On a happy note. I am so thankful for new friends.

A week in summary

2008-09-26T15:29:00.003-05:00

Friday- Louie came over to hang out and watch a movie. Parts of it were fun, parts of it were awkward. We watched "Into the Wild". We held hands. He ended up staying until 2am. When he left I knew that it wasn't going to work out. I was sad.

Saturday- Being someone who has never been involved in sports, I expanded my horizons and joined a kickball league. I was really nervous but I ROCKED it! I had so much fun and even scored a run for my team! GO ME!

Sunday- A day of family therapy. I was exhausted. Louie had wanted to hang out again today. I was still building up the courage to tell him that things weren't going to work out.

Monday- A guy that I work with told me he has a friend he wants to set me up with.

Tuesday- I talked to Louie. I told him that I wasn't sure that we are compatible. I told him a couple things that I wasn't sure about. I told him that I wasn't sure that I could give him what he needs; I said that I felt that he sought out validation and I wasn't ready to take that on. He spoke about his past with his father. I also told him that I did not think we were socially compatible. I am more of a free spirit than he is. He got his chance to respond and he told me that he felt I was too sarcastic. He said that his dad used to be sarcastic which had turned into hate and meanness. He was basically getting flashbacks of his childhood when he was with me. I told him that the decision was basically made. He can't continue seeing someone who causes him distress! In a way I felt better that it wasn't just me making the decision. So things with Louie are over.

Wednesday- Nothing much to report.

Thursday- I realize how lonely I am. I do not like being single. I just want to meet someone already! Arg.

Friday- I talk to an ex (who you guys know about but because of pure embarrassment I am going to not disclose who it is) who tries to convince me to come to his place tonight to hang out. I know I shouldn't do this. But why do I want to? Maybe I am just lonely. Maybe I just want someone to watch the debates with and have real conversation with. Am I going to go? I doubt it, but if he pursues it more I might break and give in. What's wrong with me?

Tomorrow I have another kickball game!

Fast forward and pause

2008-09-19T00:31:00.002-05:00

Things with Louie took a serious turn really quickly. Most of that was my doing. I forced a serious conversation upon him. I thought it was necessary. I was afraid that he was really starting to like me. I had to make sure that he knew what page I was on, the last thing I want to do is hurt the guy.

Last night I spoke with him and we had a conversation about what I thought about him. I told him that I felt he was very serious and I was hoping that I had a lot to learn about him. I also told him that I felt he spoke very much in terms of the future and that scared me. I said that I wanted to take things slowly. That I needed time to see if we were compatible in the way that I needed. He said he understood and he apologized if he had made me feel uncomfortable. He had to get some sleep.

Tonight I called him. I asked him if he was okay with our convo last night. He said he was but asked 'Where do we go from here?' I told him that it wasn't just up to me, but that I would still like to see him and get to know him. He said ok. He then said he would give me some space.

I got upset. In retrospect, I understand why he may feel that I was asking for space. Space was not what I was asking for though. I was asking for him to understand that we are still getting to know each other.

There is more to this but I just lost interest in telling it. In brief, I was hard on him. Forced him into feeling uncomfortable. I called later and apologized and told him I would like to see him tomorrow. I guess if I am going to tell him I want to take it slow, it's understandable that I am going to need to be more assertive in the plan making. Now he is hesitant. I understand, but I don't like it.

Why so serious?

2008-09-16T00:58:00.003-05:00

In one weekend I had two dates, with the same guy...You've already read about the first date. The second one involved casual hanging out. The first half was mediocre. I couldn't get past the fact that he was so serious. I wanted him to joke around. I hate to bring up past boyfriends, but it made me think of V. For a moment I missed him; he was silly with me and would do the most random things. I guess it took him awhile to get there though.

I told Louie (that's what I am naming this new guy) that I thought he was too serious. I put him on the spot and asked him to do something goofy. Clearly he buckled under pressure, who wouldn't? Near the end of the night, however, he started to loosen up and he did say a couple of things that made me laugh. I think he might have it in him. I think I make him nervous.

There was a weird moment:

Louie: I would like to get involved in politics one day.
Me: Oh yea? Doing what?
Louie: I'll be a Senator.
Me: Oh that's cool. You better be a Democrat though.
Louie: Okay, and then you can be the senator's wife (?!?!?!?)
Me: Woah! That's kinda serious. You're going to need to put the brakes on a lot!

Was this an attempt at being funny, a slip up, or a peek into his true thoughts?

Bottom line is that I am still unsure of our compatibility. I think it might be a good thing that I am taking my time with this and figuring out if we match on all levels. I think about him when I am not with him, so that is a good thing.

All my thinking about him tends to circle around his seriousness. Is there someone in there that can let loose? It does make me miss V. I can't lie, there were a lot of things about him that I loved and I miss him, but only as a friend. I can't picture V and I romantically anymore.

I talked to V tonight. I cautiously tested his willingness to be friends with me. I told him that I missed him. All he said was "I don't know what to say". He never was good at reading between the lines with me. I don't think there is a point in being friends with him if he doesn't miss me. I guess that is what I was testing tonight.

Anyways...I will, of course, keep ya'll posted on the developments with Louie!!

the feeling of surprise

2008-09-13T23:32:00.002-05:00

My date on Friday was surprising.

Low-key Italian, wine and good, slightly awkward, conversation. I never thought I would appreciate the feeling of awkwardness, but this night, I did.

Walking in the rain, quick side-glances and a book store. Dry humor and sloppy singing to the tunes on the headphones in a Borders. We laughed. I embarrassed him; oddly enough, I am proud of that.

We ended the night at his place. A well put together condo in the heart of this small Chicago-based city. He decorates. Better than me. He loves history. He loves his family. He likes me. He told me this just after he kissed me. An awkward kiss that he prepared me to anticipate. He is polite. He says that he is glad that he met me. He put his hand on my leg and I held his hand. It was a delicate moment that I would have never known to appreciate before.

This is a guy that I traditionally would not gravitate towards. His carefully chosen words and nerves made me anxious. I told him that he was making me nervous. He said he was too, he said he was shaking. Normally, I would have turned around and ran. I don't like feeling uncomfortable, but something is making me stay. I am surprised about my pull towards him. I am finding all of the things that would normally make me cringe, endearing. Interesting and genuine.

When I left he said he would call me the next day and he did. He wanted to tell me that he hasn't had that much fun on a date in a long time. The best part of all this is that I am excited but I don't feel vulnerable. Nothing about him makes me feel unsafe. I am enjoying the newness and the awkwardness that comes with it. This is not like me.

I don't know what all this means. I am surprised at how much I have been thinking about him tonight. I want to see him again.

Pre-date banter

2008-09-10T23:00:00.002-05:00

I have a date on Friday. He is intelligent; a teacher in fact. Ambitious; plans to complete a PhD. Mature; it appears he may know what he wants. Articulate; if only you were privy to some of our conversations. Curious; this one may actually be interested in getting to know me. Open; already I know some of his pain. Sweet; "you'll get my undivided attention". Caring; "I want to make sure you are as comfortable as possible". Genuine; bingo!

Despite this list of attributes to "the perfect guy", I will take the advice of the late Randy Pausch, which was also recently reinforced to me by my sister...ignore everything they say, and just pay attention to what they do.

Friday awaits.

I swept him under the rug

2008-09-08T23:55:00.002-05:00

I wonder how many times he read the email. The one where I apologized and told him that I wished I had known who I was at the time. The one where I said I wanted to see him again. I imagine him sitting in his recording studio, just having finished up on last minute polishes for the next up-and-coming band, and checking his email. He would see the one I sent him, the one where I apologize, where I try to make amends. I imagine him reading it over and over, contemplating how to reply while trying to hold back the pangs of hope in his heart.

I see him swiftly replying, knowing that these pangs must be suppressed for the sake of his new found happiness.

I was expecting that reply. I didn't realize how hopeful I was about not getting it until I read it. I felt my heart deflate just a little bit.

Then, as I am sure he did, I pushed my chin up and kept on going...all the while leaving a trail of broken song in my wake.

Ambivalence

2008-09-07T04:07:00.005-05:00

If there ever was a perfect time to use to word ambivalent it would be in relation to my job. That is exactly how I feel towards my job. On nights like tonight, when I come home like this, I actually hate my job. I lose sleep over it because I am actually angry. I don't deserve this.

The Woes of Getting Back Out There Part VI

2008-09-01T20:58:00.002-05:00

Conversations like this:

Man: Hey sexy!
Me: are you serious?
Man: Why do you have to live so far away from me?
Me: Hate to start the conversation like this, but beginning a conversation with "hey sexy" is probably not the best way to go. Just for future reference!
Man: booooooooooooooooooooooooo

And then he was gone.

I am not an object or your personal sex toy. I don't want the first thing you say to me to be anything having to do with my level of sexiness. In fact, the word sexy anywhere in the first date should be strictly forbidden. It makes you seem like a skeeze.

For the purposes of my own sanity.

2008-08-26T00:41:00.002-05:00

Let me start by saying that I am not proud of myself. I made a questionable choice and I learned my lesson...I hope. For the purposes of my own sanity, I am going to start from the beginning. I am going to rid this of my conscience and move on with my life.

I began telling you the story of Luke here. As I mentioned, Luke had been expressing his desires to become reacquainted with me. I resisted this for some time, months actually. Until one day I decided, what the hell!, I am going to hang out with him. I am just going to see how it feels. If I never try, I'll never know. I neglected to take into consideration that I HAD in fact tried, for almost a year.

A few weeks ago I went to his apartment. Seeing him felt nothing like I expected it to. As soon as our eyes met I wanted to bolt. I felt uncomfortable and remorseful for even thinking this might be a good idea. As the evening progressed, I began to feel more and more at ease with my decision to meet him. We sat on his black leather couch and filled each other in on the details of our lives (although, as with most men, he was doing most of the talking and little of the listening). He put his arm around me and I easily slid into the comfort of his body. For a second I almost forgot that 2 years had gone by. He concluded that we had both changed a lot since our attempt at love in 2006. I wanted to believe him. I knew that I had changed in ways that he wouldn't be able to see. I knew that the part of me that he decided he didn't love was probably still the same. I suspected that the self-interest that made me eventually loathe him was most likely still present. Yet, I stayed in his arms, cautiously wondering if this was how it was always supposed to be. He kissed me and I proclaimed that I should make it back home. He, of course, wanted me to stay, but I held firm.

I went home feeling confused. I felt comfortable with him yet I wasn't excited. I didn't feel the pangs of hope that I have grown so familiar with when my heart is on edge. I took a few days and pondered the horror and the beauty of what could possibly come.

He called me. He had the same genuineness and passion in his 'hi' than he used to when I would surprise him and call him at work. It made me feel like I was the only person in the world to him. We talked about the night we spent together. I told him of my hesitance. I told him I didn't trust him. I said that we couldn't just act like we can casually hang out and see where things go, we have a history, emotions are going to be strong, we have to be sure.

He began to POUR.HIS.HEART.OUT. He said, "I am this giddy boy, I don't know how to explain it. I haven't had this feeling since I met you. I can't ignore that". He said that he felt we owed it to each other to see where things go. He said he hasn't felt like this since the last time we were together. He said that he didn't want me to think that I was just a breath of fresh air in his life, he said I was more than that. He told me all the reasons why he felt so strongly about me and he told me how much my happiness meant to him. He must have, literally, gone on for 30 minutes.

I must say, when he finished, I had to take a second to catch my breath. He said everything that I could want a guy to say to me. Yet, I was still cautious. I told him I would have to think about it.

A few days later, on gchat, he told me I was being 'flaky'. I either want to see him or I don't.

After consulting my friend SO, I decided that I would see him again. This time with a mission: Figure out what you want.

Last week I went to his place again. We went out to a bar, had a mimosa, talked about life and change and ironies. We went back to his place and he shared some music with me that he had just discovered. He tried to kiss me and I stopped him. I wanted to be sure that this was the right decision. This kiss meant that I was going to put myself out there. I told him how I was feeling. I said that the only way for me to let myself go for was him to tell me that he wouldn't hurt me, a ridiculous request. I told him that I knew he couldn't tell me that. No sooner than I had said that, he said "I won't hurt you". I should have known that ridiculous promises cannot be kept. But I am a young woman and I want things, I want someone who is not going to hurt me, I want someone whose arms I can fall into without question. And with those wants, I fell. I kissed him and promised myself that I would open myself up to him slowly and cautiously. I would open myself up, nonetheless.

That night I went home feeling vulnerable yet calm. I was at peace with my choice. When the weekend passed without a phone call I knew that I had been duped.

He called me tonight. It started with small talk until I drew the line. I told him that I had put myself out there for him and that he didn't call. I said that I wanted to give him a chance to explain before I completely checked out. I said that I wasn't interested in playing games with him.

He hesitated and gave me a long, drawn out version of a very short story. He had realized while he was with me that he was not over his ex yet. He made it clear that they were never getting back together, yet he was not ready to move on.

I was proud of him, mad at myself, furious at him and hurt all at the same time. I was proud of him for being a man about it. I was proud of him for telling me, for holding a conversation with me about it. Let's face it, most guys would just stop calling or send a pathetic text message. I felt relief that he was able to give me the satisfaction of a conversation.

I was mad at myself for falling for it. Although I still am not convinced that he came into this with ill intentions, I still think that I should have known better. We all say that though. In the end, if I hadn't tried I may have always wondered.

I was furious at him for leading me on. I was furious for all the words he said to me that made me feel special. I was furious at him for not figuring out that he was not over his ex sooner.

I was hurt. Bottom line was that it hurts when someone rejects you. I cried. I felt sorry for myself then I picked myself up by the bootstraps and ate a chocolate cupcake.

Currently, I am still hurt. I still want to think 'why me?' I knew when I went into this that the risks were high so I can't feel too sorry for myself. But that's exactly how it makes me feel.

The Woes of Getting Back Out There Part V

2008-08-25T23:11:00.002-05:00

Ex girlfriends.

Specifically, guys realizing they aren't over their ex. Shouldn't they figure that out BEFORE they ask you to put yourself out there?

I heart cupcakes

2008-08-25T00:26:00.002-05:00

I enjoy baking every now and then. I make banana muffins at least once/week. I love brownies, and I love cupcakes.

Tonight I had an insatiable craving for a chocolate cupcake. At 10pm I went to the store and bought the necessary supplies.

5 cupcakes later, I am satiated!

thankful

2008-08-24T03:42:00.002-05:00

Last night my future sister-in-law called me around 3am. When I saw that it was her a million thoughts raced through my mind. I remembered that my brother was out of town on his canoe trip and my mind immediately went to..something must have happened. I answered the phone thinking that this phone call could potentially change my life.

Luckily, it wasn't anything related to someone being injured or killed. You can't help but think that though when your phone rings at 3am.

It just made me count my blessings.

small moments of clarity

2008-08-24T02:16:00.002-05:00

Tonight I spoke with a guy that I briefly dated in high school. We've always kept in touch on and off. He used to visit Chicago every now and then and we would meet up for coffee and marvel at where our lives have taken us since grade 12.

About a year ago he moved to Chicago. He moved about a mile from where I was living in the city. I always intended on meeting up with him, but never did.

Tonight we connected first through Facebook and then moments later through gchat. We commented on the absurdity of the internet bringing people together in mere moments.

We caught up on each others lives and vowed to get together soon. He made a comment about us seeing each other more before he moved to Chicago. I told him that I was not very good with my social life when I was in a relationship. He said, "I wondered."

This got me thinking. How did I get to the point where I completely neglected my friends? I think there was almost a year that went by that I did not venture into the city one time. How can I avoid this in my next relationship?

The answer dawned on me. Not that its a huge revelation by any means. I just seemed to see it clearly.

When you are searching, hoping, longing for a relationship it's going to be close to impossible not to entwine yourself in that relationship when you get it. I think when I met V, I wanted him so much that my whole world became about him. Perhaps you have to not want it as badly in order to let yourself have a healthy balance of relationship you and simply you.

drizzle

2008-08-22T23:06:00.001-05:00

The last thing he messaged me on gchat before he left work for the day was, "I'll call u".

He didn't call.

At least it helps me see things a little more clearly.

so this is what dating really means?

2008-08-16T17:09:00.004-05:00

I feel pretty ambivalent about my date last night. Parts of it were really good and parts of it left me undeniably confused.

I have dated a lot, but not like this. Usually dating for me becomes serious really quickly. I am not used to taking things slow, actually getting to know someone, waiting days for them to call and figuring out as you go if this is someone that I really want to pursue a relationship with. I am used to knowing after the first encounter. I am used to talking to that person everyday because we both want to. I am used to things being pretty transparent. With this guy, everything is a new experience as far as the rules to a date. I am not sure if this is just a new technique or if I have been getting it wrong the whole time. I do have a long list of failed relationships, so maybe slowness and mixed signals is the better way to start things off?

I need feedback. First we will start with the good.

1. We went out to dinner. Had nice conversation. Got to know each other a bit better.
2. When we got back to his place he kissed me...and kept kissing me :)
3. When I left he requested that I text him when I got home to make sure I was safe.
4. He kissed me goodbye.

And the confusing...
1. We split the check at dinner. He didn't offer to pay, either did I. We just both put in money and that was that.
possible explanation: he is a student working on his PhD so maybe he is just broke
2. I felt as though I was asking him a lot of questions but he was not reciprocating. After you ask someone a question they usually ask you about the same thing. "What about you?" Not this guy. He did it a time or two, but for the most part I felt like I was the one working harder to get to know him.
Possible explanation: Bad social skills, just not that into me?
3. I got the feeling after the kissing has ceased that he was waiting for me to say that I was going to leave. He said "you can stay here if you want" but I never got the sense that he wanted me to. His bedroom light was on and he was just sitting there, I was falling asleep. It seemed to me that he was waiting for something (me to leave?). Keep in mind I have already spent the night as his house once.
Possible explanation: nervous? That's all I've got.
4. When I texted him when I got home I said "I made it home! Thanks for having me over, I had fun getting to know you better. I am excited to see you again! Gnite". His response? "Glad to hear you made it home safe. Nite :)" No acknowledgment of anything I said in regards to him. Weird?
Possible explanation: He's just not that into me?

Maybe this is just how it works. Maybe we are both still figuring out if there is anything there. I am just used to people being more forward and clear with me. Thoughts?

Breaking News

2008-08-14T21:44:00.002-05:00

I have a date tomorrow. My first official date. It is with the guy that made me feel vulnerable. I guess I am getting a chance to get to know him better. We will see after tomorrow if he deserves a name on the blog :)

The Story of Luke

2008-08-12T22:04:00.003-05:00

I haven't been able to make it all the way through my story telling of ex boyfriends but a recent event has caused me to have to push fast forward and bring you up to speed on the ex we will call Luke.

I happened across Luke's myspace picture one cold January night in 2006. I thought he was cute and I sent him a message telling him exactly what I thought. It wasn't but 2 days later that he and I were meeting at a bar. Me in my sequined ballet flats, girlfriend in arm for support. Luke saw me (I told him to look for my sequined shoes) and the rest is history. We immediately liked each other. That night that I met him, I thought I was going to marry him. Later I would tell my friends that I had this out of body experience at the bar where I saw him as my future husband. And no, there were no drugs involved. Things were intense from the beginning...but this relationship was to be short lived.

There were warning signs almost immediately...
1. He had just gotten out of a year plus long relationship weeks prior.
2. He wasn't looking for anything serious.

But a month later he told me he loved me under the neon signs of an Irish bar. He, of course, played it off like he was joking and trying to get a reaction, but I knew that he meant it (or at least he thought he did). About a week later he told me again and he would tell me daily from there on out. Anytime he said it I felt like I was free falling, I wanted to say it back but I was cautious. After all, we had only been together for a month. When I wouldn't say it back, he texted me, in jest, and requested that I do. I told him, and I meant it. I loved him, no doubt about that.

It wasn't but a week later that he reluctantly agreed to call me his girlfriend. Red flag number 4. And a short 2 months later, when the 'I love yous' began to be few and far between I got a text saying "I need to meet up with you".

When he called me 15 minutes later saying he was at my apartment my heart fell to my stomach. I knew. Luke never came to my house. I had a cat and he was severely allergic. He said "We need to talk" and then proceeded to break up with me. I cried and pleaded with him. I didn't understand. He left but I continued to call him and hold onto him in any manner that I could. I played the helpless girl and he responded with what I needed at first. It was very unhealthy. I continued seeing him, knowing full well that we were broken up. He played me like a game of Old Maid; in the end I was the odd man out. Alone, broken and severely depressed. Luke became mean and frustrated with my needs. He stopped answering my calls, he avoided my texts. He said hurtful things. He would call when it was convenient for him. I was strung along for MONTHS. In the end I mustered up all of my strength and stopped talking to him but I was a broken girl.

Fast forward to present: Luke is spilling his heart out to me. Luke wants to give us another chance. More to come on this situation.

The Woes of Getting Back Out There Part IV

2008-08-09T17:57:00.003-05:00

I think the biggest woe of getting back out there is feeling vulnerable. The V word is the worst feeling that a single person can feel. Nobody likes to feel it but it's close to impossible to be excited about a person without having vulnerability lurking around the corner.

Last night, I met up with the guy that was described in point number three in the previous post. I had so much fun. He seems so genuine. Hopefully I will find out if he holds the other characteristics I find essential.

The problem is that I put myself out there. Way out there. He did too, but somehow I doubt he is plagued with vulnerability. When I meet someone that I feel a connection with I automatically put so much hope into it. I don't know how not to. That is where I am. I am hopeful with no concept of where he stands. It's a scary place to be. All I can do is wait and hope that I get the chance to see if he really is as great as he seemed to be last night.

On a side note, today is my birthday. Read here for a re-cap of how I feel about birthdays.

Katie is a bad influence on me...and I love it!

2008-07-28T00:39:00.004-05:00

I realized tonight, as I was refocusing myself for work tomorrow, that I spent the whole weekend not thinking about working. This is quite the feat for me. Thank you, Catheter.

I had a great weekend with Katie. I am glad that she was able to come visit me. It makes me miss being around all of my friends from college. Those were the days...

In true Katie fashion she encouraged me to do things that I probably wouldn't have done on my own calling...

1. Katie convinced me to leave my phone number for a really hot waiter that we had on Friday night. After we prepared the phone number/note, the waiter came up to our table and began taking out checks. I panicked because I didn't want him to read it while we were still there. I blurted out, "I haven't decided on my tip for you yet!" He gave me a weird look and walked away. That was awesome.

2. Katie somehow convinced me that it would be a good idea that I text this guy that I briefly dated 2 years ago. Now he won't leave me alone. Haha, that's what I get.

3. Katie FORCED me to give my number to this guy that I met at a bar on Friday. By forced I mean, SHE wrote my number down for me on my business card and threatened me. I gave him the card though and he gave me his number. Then I think he tried to kiss me, in the middle of the bar! I dodged that one but will give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was going for the cheek the whole time. I may possibly elaborate on this situation in a later post.

Despite the death, it was a silly weekend. I feel relaxed and not so stressed out anymore. I feel like work is just something that I do and not who I am. I am going to be starting some classes in the next month or so. I am going to stop letting work become who I am.

I miss you Kath. Come back soon.

Grief

2008-07-26T13:23:00.002-05:00

Death is never easy, especially when it's unexpected. Time to grieve.

:(

Cell phones vs. Smoking

2008-07-24T00:24:00.002-05:00

I couldn't help but wonder, as I read this article on the possible link between cell phone usage and cancer, if one day cell phones would be comparable to cigarettes.

People will be so addicted to cell phones that even though we know they cause cancer, they can't stop.

Anti-cell phone commercials will alert everybody to the dangers.
Cell phones will be marked with "WARNING:" labels.
CARE (cell phone abuse resistance education) will start up in schools.

People will use and use and use and then seem shocked when they are diagnosed with brain cancer.

Brody's back in town...

2008-07-19T22:03:00.003-05:00

Had an interesting conversation with Brody this afternoon. You'll remember him as the guy that electrified me in college.

Brody: what r u wearing right now?
me: haha
Brody: no seriously...amuse me
me: I havent spoken to you in forever and you want to know what I am wearing??
Brody: i'll be back the next 2 weekends, fam reunion and lollapalooza
Brody: meet up? r u still w/ boy?
me: nope we broke up
Brody: sorry...not really
me: hahaa
Brody: hope everythings good
me: everything is good
Brody: werent yall living together?
me: yes we were
Brody: live by yourself?
me: yes
Brody: not in the city right?
me: not in the city no
Brody: let's meet up for lunch or something next weekend
me: ok, I have a friend in town
you know her
katie
Brody: yes...let's all catch up
me: sounds good
give me a call when you are here
Brody: i'm serious
me: it will be good to see you
I am serious too
Brody: send me a pic of you
haven't seen u in a while
me: haha
are you serious?
Brody: yes, pics...multiple

And ironically, while I am writing this post I receive a text from him. Guess that means he is thinking about me. Kind of random. It will be interesting to see how next weekend goes. Katie is going to LOVE this!

Fin.

2008-07-15T21:57:00.002-05:00

I forgot that sometimes people say that they want to be friends as a courtesy gesture; never really intending to do anything that would qualify. Life smacked me in the face today. I remembered that you can’t take what people say to heart. Sometimes words are merely words and can be used as a way to reduce the speaker’s anxieties. Selfish gestures. I was given a selfish gesture by V. He said he wanted to be friends.

At first I wasn’t ready. Then I thought I was. He was the one that wanted to be friends right away; I was the one that said I needed time. So came the time that I needed a favor. And he shot me down. Like nothing.

I told him I would understand if he said no. The truth is I don’t understand. I am upset and embarrassed that I even thought he would do it (how could I have been totally wrong about his character?). After all, he already did this for me once after we broke up. What makes it different this time? I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. To be honest, I don’t like who he has become. He is cold and doesn’t seem to know what he is doing anymore. The V I knew would have said that he would do it if I really needed him to. That V cared about me though. He is gone.

Maybe V is going through some life changes. Maybe he has realized something about himself that he is trying to figure out. I don’t know… I can only speculate. Maybe I represent someone that he is confused by. It almost seems like he is avoiding me. I can’t tell you how many times I have asked him to come get the rest of his things and he just doesn’t. What is that about?

I am done caring. I am done worrying about it because, quite frankly I don’t need that energy in my life. I have moved on from our relationship and clearly he can’t handle being my friend-so I am just done.

The Woes of Getting Back Out There Part III

2008-07-12T17:20:00.001-05:00

Overeager men.

Just because I am talking to you does not mean that I am interested (and it especially does not mean that I want to kiss you). Calm down.

I want to fall in love

2008-07-11T04:29:00.004-05:00

When V and I broke up my mom was pretty worried about me. Her advice was for me to throw myself into my work. That's not hard to do.

I just looked at the clock and saw that it is 4:34am. I have been working on a behavior plan for one of my clients for about 2.5 hours. I had no idea it was so late! If this isn't avoiding some sort of pain I don't know what is.

We all know that the night time is the hardest time. It's actually not even V anymore that I am avoiding thinking about. It's Jason Mesnick. It's Oliver. It's my sister. It's the lack of love in my life. It's my staff. It's work! I do work to avoid thinking about work... doesn't make much sense when I say it out loud, but it works (haha no pun intended!).

*Please disregard the following paragraph, you probably have no idea who Jason is. This is my attempt to let Jason find me. Here is my vision: He will google his name (because lets face it, who doesn't?) and somehow happen across my little old blog. He will be intrigued by this mystery woman who writes about him. He will leave a comment telling me to contact him. We will live happily ever after. I can dream, right?
Jason Mesnick is one strong man. I respect him for his ability to be happy for her and for the fact that he is already ready to find love again. I've learned, and I guess he has too, that it's not helpful to dwell. Sometimes you just pick up and move on because you know that there is something else out there for you. Something hopefully better. I deserve that look too!

I am worried about my sister. Wait, maybe I am just jealous.... sorry Bean.

I am stressed out at work. I guess I have to learn to live with the fact that some people aren't going to like me. Telling people what to do isn't as fun as I thought it would be.

Now it's 4:45am. I am exhausted enough to turn off my computer. I will safely fall asleep without the fear of letting my thoughts wander too far.

No alarm is set. I might even turn my ringer off. I am sleeping until I can sleep no more. I love having Fridays off.

City, get ready for me tonight!

And when the lights came on, I swear, I was struck by lightning...

2008-07-07T23:55:00.017-05:00

Like I said previously, I met Brody shortly after Steven and I broke up. I was at a bar called George's that was notorious for letting underagers in. I wasn't feeling that well so I went and sat down and waited for my friends to be ready to go. As I sat, I happened to see this gorgeous man walk past me. Before I even knew what I was doing I grabbed his arm and proclaimed, "Hey! How are you?" as if we had known each other forever. Brody was perplexed but played it cool and pretended that he knew exactly who I was. We sat in George's talking about ourselves. I sheepishly confessed that we had not met before and when I saw him walk by I couldn't resist grabbing his arm.

We continued talking in the dimly lit bar while Britney Spears' 'Slave 4 U' blared from the dance floor. Suddenly, the lights flashed on in an attempt to encourage the patrons to move on with their nights. As Brody's face was illuminated under the blinding lights, I swear, I felt a spark of electricity go through my body. Literally. This guy was gorgeous. His eyes were deep and connected to mine. I could see right into him through his eyes. Never before, and not one time since, have I experienced such a moment of intensity for a person.

* thank you SO for your mad 'paint' skillz

As the bartenders pushed us out (and against the better judgment of my friend, Katie *yeah, hi, kt, I know you read and never comment, don't be a lurker*) I left with Brody. We went back to his fraternity house and got to know each other. I learned that Brody was a junior (2 years older than me). I learned that he had just turned 21. And I learned that he had a way with the ladies.

I was so incredibly attracted to Brody. Even though my instincts were telling me that this guy was trouble, I could not resist his charm. I fell for Brody fast and hard. This led to our inevitable demise. I became the person that every girl hopes they never become. I was almost obsessive over Brody. I would panic when he wouldn't return my calls. I would make excuses for him when he treated me like crap. I would fall even more in love with him when I did get to see him. I was head over fucking heels for this guy. Ask any of my friends.

Things between Brody and I faded but I never lost the butterflies or the excitement I felt about him. Brody is one of the few guys that I have dated that I am still in touch with and still hang out with on occasion. About two years ago Brody and I went out together. He ended up coming back to my place with me. That night I realized that despite my attraction to Brody there was nothing more there. Don't get me wrong, I am still floored by his good looks (which my friends would not agree with) and still get tingly when I see him. He is coming into town soon and I am sure that I will spend a night in the city with him. Nostalgia has a way of leading us to make bad decisions.

Coming up in the next addition of "Parade of Ex's":
In good Blinds fashion, it did not take long for me to move on to the next guy that showed interest in me. The story of me and Ajan involves somersaults, booze and a good old fashion musical.

The Woes of Getting Back Out There Part II

2008-07-05T21:54:00.002-05:00

Text messages like this one:

Oliver- Dude ok I don't want to play games, I need to figure some shit out in my life, not having to do with girls. I can't give this my all, I just need some time. I don't want to lead you on at all. i hope you understand.

Me- Thanks for letting me know via text...

Can you believe that? No, because its unbelievable.
1. Who says something like that via text?
2. Since when did I ask him to give this his "all"? Do we not remember the convo we had were I said "I am not looking for anything serious"?

The ex ex ex ex ex ex ex ex ex...boyfriend and I

2008-07-05T02:55:00.007-05:00

My first boyfriend, my first love called me tonight.

I didn't start dating until I was 17. It was my senior year of high school and it just so happened that the first guy I ever dated, Steven, became my first boyfriend and my first love. To say that Steven and I had a tumultuous relationship would be an understatement. At the beginning, we couldn't get enough of each other. Every time I saw him I felt like you are supposed to feel when you think back on first loves. We were excited about each other. We weren't afraid to show it.

Steven was a year older than me and was already in college. I was getting ready to go to the same school as him, things couldn't have fallen in place better for us. Things started to take a turn for the worse a few months into my freshman year of college. I was depressed, I was lonely, I missed my friends, I needed him. Whenever anybody NEEDS somebody you are starting to tread in dangerous waters. The more I needed him the more he pushed me away. He chose his friends over me. I always came 2nd. He was flat out mean to me. He said hurtful things. He treated me like I didn't matter. He taunted me with his always growing group of girl-friends. He pushed me aside.

Three examples of our relationship stand out. I lost my virginity to Steven. One night when we were fighting on the phone he said: "The only reason I ever fucked you was to get you to shut up!" When he finally came to my dorm to end our relationship for good, he brought a girl with him. This girl was waiting for him outside the room while he broke up with me. After we broke up, he put all of the things that I had ever given him, that my family had ever given him, pictures, notes, EVERYTHING, in a bag and told me that he didn't want them anymore. He said that he didn't want to remember me.

This was my foundation. When I wonder why I always date men who seem to be able to brush me aside like I am nothing, I always look back at my first relationship. I always blame Steven. I was comfortable fighting with him. When I got attention from Steven it was almost always in the form of an argument. I learned to love arguments because that was the only time I felt cared about. At least I mattered enough for him to fight with me.

Tonight was no different. Steven and I talked about our lives now and as much as we tried to focus on the present, the conversation looped back into the pain that we had caused each other. I don't think I will ever be over that. While our conversation was civil, it still had a hint of animosity. Since I am being honest with myself, I will tell you that it felt good.

The pain that Steven caused me was so severe. I was at the lowest point I had ever been at in my life. I wanted to die. I thought about killing myself. I didn't think that I was worth it. The only thing that helped me numb the pain was when, just a few weeks after Steven and I broke up, I met Brody.

So began my pattern of numbing and avoidance. Over the next few weeks I am going to blog about all my past relationships. I think it will help me sort things out. I've dated a lot. I am sorry if it gets mundane. This is my therapy for myself. In a way, after my breakup with V, I am finally letting myself heal from all of the heartache. In a way, I am finally letting myself get over Steven.

What does your love for your pet say about you?

2008-07-01T01:40:00.005-05:00

I am pet sitting for my brother and his fiancee. I've always proclaimed that I am not a dog person. With the dog walking and the waking up early to feed/walk to the dog, not being able to hit the town without considering how it will impact the dog, it is way way way too much responsibility. I like to come home from work and SIT, not WALK.

Adding to my confirmation that I am not a dog person, Sophie, this said dog, has NO boundaries. Boundaries are VERY VERY important to me people! As many that know me can attest to, I don't like to be touched. Sophie is all up in my grill, all the time! Every move I make, she makes. I can't even scratch my bug-bitten arm without her having her nose where it doesn't belong. Not to mention, wet dog nose makes me shudder.

I walk up the stairs- Sophie walks up the stairs.
I go to the bathroom- Sophie goes too.
I eat- Sophie is trying to eat my food!

It's getting old! I am starting to take my frustrations out on her. The sad thing is that I really do care about her 'being'. She is a sweet dog, she never barks, she is always so excited to see me when I get home, she just wants to be loved. She is a rescue dog, we suspect she's had a rough life, so I wish I could give her the love she needs. I just can't. I feel smothered. I need my space. I need her to NOT be everywhere that I am.

This kind of sounds like every relationship I have ever pushed away... maybe that's why I love my cat so much. He gives me my space and lets me be the one that chases him.

We love our pets the way we wish we could love others.

There is a reason that I don't have a dog; I wouldn't be able to love it the way that I want to love somebody if only I could put that well built guard down.

I have to work through this. My whole life I have wanted a 'dog'. Somebody that would give me so much unconditional love. Someone that would be happy to see me when I walked through the door. Someone that I could take care of but someone that could also take care of my need to be attached and to be loved. So why do I feel smothered and uncomfortable around the dogs. Why do I always seek out the cats? The ones that come into it with an already cavalier attitude. The ones that are ambivalent? The ones that only give me the time of day when it's convenient for them? I want a dog that I can give the love I have for my cat to.

uh oh, I am starting to care!

2008-06-29T01:14:00.004-05:00

I have a feeling he might be a regular part of the blog now, so in true SO tradition I will name him Oliver.

I took LPB's advice and I put it all out on the table for him on Friday night. I went out to the city and hung out with some good friends that I had been neglecting, Sara and Matty. It was so good to see them, and it feels so good to rediscover the old Blinds. I knew I still existed! Afterwards I went even deeper downtown and met up with Oliver. Oliver is tall, dark and was looking very handsome. He is a good 5 inches taller than me, which is amazing since I am 5'10". We ended up just going back to our mutual friend's apartment. Everybody was hanging out in the living room. I got up to use the bathroom down the hall. When I came out of the bathroom Oliver was waiting for me and pulled me into an empty bedroom. That's where it happened. We talked. It was the first 'real' conversation that we've ever had. It felt good.

I told him that I was disappointed and frustrated with all of his texting. He said he would call more. He also said that he felt like I was expecting him to make all of the effort (which is true). I like like fact that he totally called me out on that.

I told him that I was equally frustrated that he would make 'plans' with me and then not follow through with them. This only happened once, but still!

He asked about my most recent relationship (which I am sure he already had the juicy details from our mutual friend). I told him about it. I told him that it hasn't been that long. I told him that I wasn't looking for anything serious right now. He was cool with that. He said we would just take things slow. See what happens. I am cool with that.

Then we talked about the infamous movie night. He said that he was confused because I basically kicked him out at midnight. I told him that for some reason that evening I felt uncomfortable. I felt like we didn't have a connection. We talked about the fact that we didn't talk for 5 days after that night. I was waiting for him to call and he was waiting for me. I guess we both left confused that evening and decided that we would see if the other person was really interested by waiting to see if they called. He ended up calling first. He called me out on this whole situation too. Then he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. I like the assertiveness.

The bottom line is that it was a great great talk. I miss connecting with someone through conversation. It was also kind of strange because this was only our 3rd time seeing each other and we already dove right in with the talk.

I've struggled with my ambivalence for this whole situation. Tonight I can feel myself starting to care. It's actually pretty scary. I feel like I've lost some control of the situation because I do like him. I don't like not being in control. Not that I am jumping into anything but being out of control reminds me of getting hurt. I don't want that to happen again! Yet I don't want to be so guarded that I am not going to let myself fall again either.

I am not exactly sure where this is going with Oliver but I do know that I really enjoyed being with him Friday night. For now, thats all I need to know.

Filling the void

2008-06-25T23:30:00.003-05:00

The boy has returned. Remember how we hung out on Wednesday and I boldly stated that 'nothing was there'?

Monday
Well on Monday he texted me again and then actually called me. A gift from the Gods above. He asked if I wanted to hang out on Tuesday. He said he would call me the next day.

Tuesday
Nada.

Wednesday
Text conversation: He texted me some small-talk bullshit. I told him that he was odd and that I was giving up on him. He said that I was the one that was too busy and then he invited me out for his cousin's birthday on Friday (and said at the end "I want to see you" [which to be honest gave me some butterflies]). I told him he was the one that never called. He apologized for not calling, gave me a lame excuse and proclaimed, "I suck". Nice. He then asked if I had already given up on him or if I was just close. I told him I was close. He invited me out for coffee tomorrow. I told him to call me tomorrow.

Don't I already know that nothing is there? Why am I feeding into this?

Sometimes it's just nice to have someone.

Forgive me.

i miss v.

The Golden Question

2008-06-25T00:49:00.003-05:00

My good friend, Rob, IMed me the other day and asked me a straight forward question.

Good Friend: What makes someone happy?
Blinds: Hope

Without even thinking about it I knew the answer to this. Now that I've had time to think about it I realize how true it really is. Hope is the foundation of happiness.

Thoughts?

The Art of Getting Over Someone

2008-06-22T22:06:00.004-05:00

How do you know when you are finally over a past relationship? Are there tell-tale signs? Do you just feel it? Do you ever really know? I've been thinking the past few weeks, and wondering how I will know.

This is my struggle: Is it even possible to get over someone when you still haven't found the next person that you will explore a relationship with? Do you just dwell on the past relationship (in someway or another) until you meet someone else that you can transfer those energies into? My good friend SO would probably say that it is possible to move on without having someone to move on to. He did it. Quite the feat, but he did it!

Can I do it though? There is something that you should know about me. I am a chronic dater. I've dated a lot it my years. Sprinkled in my long list of people I have dated are a couple serious relationships, 4 to be exact (some might argue more). I've always had an insanely difficult time getting over people. Love to me was like a drug. Break up with someone, and in order to ease my symptoms of withdrawal, I had to jump right back into the pool. I never waited more than a month or two before I was dating again. I never gave myself the time to heal.

This time around I am doing things differently (or at least I am trying). Things even feel different this time. I, for once, have no desire to be in a serious relationship. I don't feel my withdrawal symptoms nearly as much as I used to. However, they are still there. Mostly at night when I wish that I had someone talk to about my day, or someone to curl up with and fall asleep. I still wish I could call him (or someone) on my way home from a particularly rough day at the office. I feel the urge to meet someone new. I dream about who the next person is going to be. Sometimes, to ease my loneliness, in the wee hours of the morning I search for him online.

I still miss V. Sometimes I miss him a lot. I still cry. One thing I am not sure of though is if I actually miss him or if I miss the feeling of being with someone. The love. The connection. The attachment. The safety. When I look at old pictures of us, I don't feel that pang of deep sadness for "us". I feel it for myself.

So fellow readers- how do you know when you are over someone? Can you really move on without having someone to move on to?

...but I was ready...

2008-06-22T00:10:00.003-05:00

Only a few months ago I was ready to close a chapter of my life. I could have told you that I had found 'the one' that I was meant to find. If you'd have asked me, I would have said that I was going to marry him. I would have told you that we both felt the same way, that this was it. I have notes and small mementos that spoke to this.

"I love you with all my heart."
"Every moment I spend with you is amazing!"
"I am so glad that I found you."
"I've never been more sure of anything."

Around Christmas time we were talking about what kind of gifts we were going to get for each other. Somehow the topic of rings got brought up. He said that he was thinking about getting me a ring, a ring that promised that he would always be my man.

I told him that I didn't want him to get me a ring. I said that when he gave me a ring, I wanted it to be an engagement ring. I didn't want a temporary ring while we were in limbo. He understood.

So it really wasn't that long ago when there was a man who wanted to spend his life with me. It wasn't that long ago that I had my life mapped out in front of me. Every part of that life involved him. I thought every part of his life involved me too. What happened between then and May?

I often think back and try to pin point the exact moment when things plateaued and then began going downhill. Of course this is ridiculous. I guess it's the plight of a woman to think that there is something that she did wrong.

While I don't know the exact moment things shifted, I do know the moment that I really realized something was wrong. This is bordering on very personal but what the hell!

I was never on birth control. We used other forms of contraceptives but it really wasn't that big of an issue to us. Sure, we discussed the risks but it never kept us from anything...if you know what I mean. So one night he told me that he "was too tired". Lame excuse. I pushed him and he said that he thought we needed to be safe and he was worried about me getting pregnant.

Seeing that this has never been an issue before I knew that this meant something. I realized that this was never an issue before because if I did get pregnant we would figure it out, we would make it work, after all, we knew that we were spending our lives together. Clearly he had already figured out that I was no longer the one.

you either have it or you don't

2008-06-19T22:44:00.003-05:00

After a ridiculous text-conversation in which I instructed boy to CALL ME (but he chose to continue texting), boy arrived at my apartment. He had asked me if I wanted to hang out earlier in the day and I decided that I just needed to see if anything was there.

We greeted each other awkwardly, no hug, just smiles and a weird "should I take my shoes off?" I put in the movie that I got from Netflix (which happened to be '27 Dresses') and discovered that for some reason my DVD player wasn't working anymore. I sat on the floor fiddling with the wires until I realized it was a lost hope. Brilliantly, we watched it on my computer.

Yes, folks, we watched it. Every second of it, except about 5. The whole time he was complaining of the chick flick status of the movie. He was bored and restless and kept trying to talk through the movie. He was kind of right, it wasn't that great. About those 5 seconds that we didn't watch. . .

There happened to be a card on my table that my sister sent me after a little tension between us. The card was a sort of apology card. He read it. Afterwards he asked me about it. I began to tell him the story.

A: "Well we had a death in the family and---"
B: "Woah, what just happened!" as boy looks towards the computer screen
A: "What the hell! I was just telling you about my family!"
B: "Oh, I'm sorry. Tell me!"
A: "No way! I was telling you about a death in my family and you, for the first time all night, are paying attention to the movie!"

Then he goes back to watching the movie.

The clock struck 12 and he had to go. We hugged. It was awkward. I didn't even let him try to kiss me. I don't know if he wanted to. He left. Now I know. Nothing was there.

I give up

2008-06-17T21:15:00.002-05:00

The back story:

I meet boy.
I kiss boy.
Boy gets my number.
Boy texts me all day long the next two days.
Boy wants to hang out.
I make excuses revolving around my crazy work schedule which is partly true.
I invite boy over.
Boy says he is too tired.

The front story:

Today we exchange texts regarding the basketball game and our plans for the night. I tell him I am vegging out and he says that he is watching the game with some friends. I ask him if Boston just needs one more win. This is his response:
"Yep one more win, coo have fun being a veg. I'll talk to you soon enough"

Thoughts?
Am I just being a crazy girl or is that last part weird?

The woes of "getting back out there" PART 1

2008-06-16T01:17:00.003-05:00

Now that I will be re-entering the dating pool I have to face the fact that I am up for a lot of disappointments in my future. With dating comes let downs. I have already experienced three.

1. If you say you are going to do something, then DO it.

Probably my biggest pet peeve in the world. If you say you are going to call, then you better call. If you say that you want to hang out today, then you better be on the phone with me making some plans.

2. Text messaging. Since when is it okay to text message someone ALL day long and not call them? I don't want to have a conversation with you about your family via text message. Call me.

3. Don't ask me to go out to dinner with you. There are two reasons for this, 1. That sounds an awful lot like a date and that is freaking me out and 2. I can't eat in front of you until I feel comfortable enough to go to the bathroom with you in the next room (but of course I can't tell you this to make you feel better when you feel rejected by me).

welcoming "single" with a bang

2008-06-14T23:04:00.002-05:00

I ventured out to the city last night in order to ring in my newly single lifestyle. I had high hopes for the night and I must say, I was not disappointed. I went out to dinner with my girlfriends and then went to my friend's place for a little get together.

I loved seeing old friends and meeting new people. I love the feeling of not getting home until 10am the next day ;) It's going to be a good summer!

a fantasy come true?

2008-06-13T01:45:00.004-05:00

Some females have this romantic, chick-flick style fantasy about having a guy woo her with a romantic song that he wrote especially for her. In this fantasy he plays the guitar for her while he stares longingly into her eyes and sings the words that he took time to carefully nurture. For her.
There is a song out in the world that was written for me. A couple years ago I dated a guy for a few months who is a talented musician. He is such a great guy but I really struggled with the relationship. I couldn't figure out if it was what I really wanted and I dragged him through my ambivalence. (I am sorry!) Obviously, I eventually decided that it just wasn't there and we parted ways.

A sort of mutual friend of ours informed me a few months later that he had written a song for me and directed me to it on myspace. I later got confirmation from the man himself that he had, in fact, written this song about me and our relationship. If you care to listen: http://www.myspace.com/wolfgangjay The song is called "Make Time". Another awesome song (not about me) is "On Track". Enjoy!

Raising my fists to sleep/Defeated

2008-06-10T01:03:00.004-05:00

Why do I take sleeping pills at night when I just fight the exhaustion I feel? I don't get it?!?

I am forcing myself to stay up. There is something about the night that I either really enjoy or really fear. My whole life I have been trying to figure this one out.

______________________________________________________________

I feel defeated at work. I try so hard to work with these girls but I end up leaving with a bruised forehead, a scratched up neck, less hair than when I came in and worst of all, an ego that has seen better days.

I feel responsible for their well-being. I know this is ridiculous. I feel like their future is in my hands but when I look ahead, I know that most of them are going to turn into teenage mothers who use sex as a way to feel accepted. Women with poor boundaries and poor self-respect. Women who may or may not know any better.

I do well with deadlines

2008-06-08T02:12:00.002-05:00

So sick of being sad. It's getting old. But I miss him. So. Much.

They say it takes a week for every month to get over someone.

I guess this equation does not include V because he is already over it. He is colder than normal. He is a different person than the one I met. I probably am too. He says that this whole thing is hard on him but I don't really buy it. Maybe because I am pretty sure that he only thinks about it when I force him to. Whereas, I think about it constantly. All the time. The only time I don't think about it is when I am at work.

So back to this equation. We were together for 15 months so I have 15 weeks to get over him. Which means that my deadline is August 22nd. That seems like a really long ways away. I don't think I can handle all of this for that long. I am going to change that to July 1. Wish me luck.

The Ex Factor

2008-06-05T02:23:00.003-05:00

First of all I want to apologize that my blog is such a Debbie-Downer blog lately. Unfortunately, it's whats on the forefront of my mind right now.

Why do guys ALWAYS run back to their ex's as soon as they breakup with someone? Without failure this always happens every time I am involved in a break up. Whether it be as friends or with more in mind, they always want to hang out with them.

And why do they insist on posting pictures when they know that I am going to see it?

Why again do I have a Facebook page? To take years off my life most likely.

Maybe I am missing out on an important part of the healing process. Maybe a call to my ex will be helpful?

The symbolism of a couch

2008-05-31T01:05:00.003-05:00

The past few weeks I have been living in my apartment with my ex's couches. I debated back and forth about whether or not I should keep them. I need couches and he didn't want them...so what's the problem? The problem is that everyday I walk into my apartment and the first thing I see are these couches. Do I really want a constant reminder of my failed attempt at cohabitation? Would I eventually get over it and not really link the couch with him? I wasn't sure, I still am not sure.

I bought new couches. I am sitting on my new couch right now. I love it. I love it, but I am also sad. His couches are pushed over in the corner. He will be here in 12 hours to get them. The last thing of his that I have here will be gone.

I don't know what to think. These couches of his definitely represent our commitment to each other. They are his parents old couches. They are special to his parents. When I took them, I promised his mom that I would take care of them and that they would stay in the family. That was when the ex and I still threw around the word forever, and meant it. There was no inkling that he and his family wouldn't be my family in the future. But they won't.

So I am giving the couches back. Saying goodbye to a life that I never really even had. To the idea of being with someone forever. The experience of making life decisions together because they really would effect the other person in the long run.

Yes, I am sad. I am scared about seeing him in 12 hours. I haven't seen him since he walked out the door on the morning of May 3.

I am nervous that this is going to be harder than I think it will be.

The response

2008-05-30T23:14:00.003-05:00

For those of you anxiously waiting to hear if I got a response to my letter about the airplane that wanted to kill me, I did.

Ms. X:

Thank you for sharing this with me, and for your concern. Certainly sounds like something that needs to be addressed. I plan to take your note out to the airport today and see if I can find out who this was.

I appreciate comments like this, as it helps us keep our community safer. Thanks again.

Not sure if anything came of it or not. I hope so.

I ,quite literally, thought I was going to die today

2008-05-26T23:53:00.002-05:00

Today I saw my life flash before my eyes. It was one of the scariest moments I can remember experiencing. Driving back to Chicago from St. Louis, my mom and I were talking about life, jobs and disappointments. In the distance I saw a a cessna-type plane (one of those training/recreational planes) flying quite erratically. It was on it's side and swaying all over the place. As we got closer to the place we saw it start flying towards the highway. Getting closer and closer to the ground and US! I was in immediate panic mode. We were going to die. The plane must have lost control, why else would it be getting this close to all these cars on the highway!?!?! As I ignored the road and focused on this bright yellow plane that was going to end my life I decided to swerve into the other lane and try to speed up to get out of the way of my death. As I changed lanes (without looking) and stared at the plane coming towards us, the plane suddenly jerked back up into the sky! HOLY SHIT! THAT PLANE ALMOST HIT US! At this point I am fighting off a panic attack. I am shaking and on the verge of tears. I guess that is what happens when you literally think you are going to die. The plane looped around and came back towards us. This time the plane got SO close to the field immediately to my right that it grazed the grass! Literally! And then jerked back up into the sky just before reaching the cars on the highway. I was way too focused on my impending death, so I didn't notice how the other drivers responded, but my guess is that they thought it was doomsday for awhile as well. I sped up quickly to get out of the path of this plane that clearly thought it was funny to panic drivers. I debated about calling the police and reporting it. This CANNOT be legal, right? Instead I made a mental note of the mile marker and just write a "friendly" email to the police chief of that little town. Who knows if anything will be made of this incident. I guess I can say that I know what it's like to think that I am going to die and I would prefer not to experience that again.

you would cry too if it happened to you

2008-05-22T00:41:00.004-05:00

I guess it would be weird if I DIDN'T cry, which is why I am not beating myself up about breaking down when I walked in tonight to see his things gone. All of his things are gone except the items that I gave him as a gift; a chess set and a picture book for our anniversary. I was pretty upset that he did not take these things, especially the book. He could at least pretend like it meant something to him! Geeez.

He is coming back this weekend to take the couches. Now my new mission is to get some couches. I want a neutral color and nothing too expensive. I am a social worker for crying out loud. I have been looking at a couple of them.

But now the more I look at it, the more unsure I become.

goodbye

2008-05-21T01:23:00.003-05:00

I just packed all of his things. He is coming tomorrow to pick it all up.

V,
I tried to put out some of your things for you. For the most part, that is everything. Don't forget about your drawer in the kitchen. Also, remember that you have some things in storage in the basement. You can take my things out of the blue bins and leave it up here. You can take your TV that is in the bedroom too. You should also take this box back. Clearly it doesn't belong to me anymore and I would feel weird keeping such an important symbol of you giving your heart to me.

You should know that this is definitely not easy for me. I loved you with everything I am and as much as I would love to hold on, I feel there is nothing to hold onto anymore. I guess when someone breaks your trust it kind of burns anything that was left.

I sincerely hope that you find what you are looking for in life. As far as the past year goes, I guess we can just call it a lesson learned.

Good Luck,

A

firsts

2008-05-13T23:43:00.000-05:00

today is a first of many firsts.....and I am okay.

we'll be groovin'

2008-05-13T01:30:00.003-05:00

I am going on a well deserved vacation! On Thursday I will depart dreary Chicago for sunny Arizona. I am SO excited. I can kick of my single-hood with some quality time with 4 of my best friends in the world. The five of us have been friends since high school (and before I came around, the 4 of them had been friends for much longer). We all live in different parts of the country: St. Louis, New York and Chicago. We thought it was about time that we spoiled ourselves. One of the girls works for the Hyatt and has been able to get us a HUGELY discounted room at a Spa Resort in Arizona. How lucky am I...and can the timing be any better?

I love these girls with all my heart and I feel so so so fortunate to still be BFFs after all these years.

Love After Love

2008-05-11T22:24:00.002-05:00

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

starving

2008-05-11T02:28:00.002-05:00

I haven't eaten in days. At least nothing substantial. Today I had some Ritz crackers and an ice cream sandwich. Yesterday all I had was some garlic bread. I have no appetite. Not that I ever had a huge appetite to begin with but at least before, I would at least eat one meal per day. I just don't care about things anymore. Especially myself. I know that this sounds troubling but its kind of my baseline for breakups. Actually, I think its above my baseline. This is me doing well!

He told me tonight that he was just not happy in our relationship. I guess I thought that he was just not happy with himself and it was effecting our relationship. I was wrong. All this holding on that I am doing has to stop. It's really hard though. I am not even sure how to begin moving on when I am feeling so hopeless. Like I said, I don't care. Maybe all this not eating will eventually catch up with me. Sigh. Until then I just hope that on my days off that I am tired enough to sleep most of the time and on the days that I work I can repress enough to focus on others.

"it's going to be alright"

2008-05-09T00:45:00.002-05:00

It makes me mad when he tells me that "it's going to be alright." Does he really have a right to tell me that? What the hell does he know?!?! He's not the one sitting in an empty apartment with his ex's stuff everywhere, following him wherever he goes. Everyday after work he gets to go to a place where he hasn't lived with me. I get to come home to a house that is haunted with memories and things that scream out his name. He's the one that walked out on me, he doesn't get to tell me that it's going to be alright.

In the name of my job I have been able to keep myself together relatively well. Since I don't work tomorrow I think I have allowed everything to hit me. The past 3 nights I deliberately do anything I can think of to distract myself. Sleeping pills, tv and internet have been great to me. Tonight that stuff isn't working. I just want things to go back to the way they were when we were both happy. It's not fair.

I feel cheated

2008-05-08T00:22:00.002-05:00

I feel like I have been cheated out of something. Don't I deserve a better reason than no reason at all? Doesn't a commitment deserve more than an ambivalent decision about needing to get away? I am angry and I am hurt. It's like I always say, promises are better left unsaid. It may sound cynical but it has never once been proven to me that I am wrong, despite the promises that I am wrong.

It doesn't seem fair and it doesn't seem right. I just feel like he should have tried harder. He didn't try; he just gave up on himself and on our relationship.

I don't even know what this is truly about.

when youre dreaming with a broken heart...

2008-05-04T02:07:00.000-05:00

Choose your own ending

2008-05-01T01:50:00.003-05:00

Remember those awesome choose your own ending books? You know the ones, after each page you had to make a decision for the character and then the book would tell you which page to turn to. Those were awesome! I have NO idea why I was thinking about those but they make me very very happy. I am going to try to dig some of those bad boys up on ebay!

Rain Rain Go Away, Don't Come Back Any Other Day...

2008-04-22T00:35:00.002-05:00

How do you convince someone that you love them so much and that life without them would just be dreary? How do you project those feelings?!? It seems so easy to project the angry feelings, why can't it be easy the other way around too? If we have a bad day at work, who do we take it out on? Of course, the person who we are closest to. Maybe life is just a big cycle of projection. It's hard for anyone to see clearly when life is clouded with that.

I wish that just for a minute, he could see things through my eyes. Then he would see how much faith I have in him and us. Until that miracle happens, I have to find another way to accomplish the same thing. And even then, will it be enough?

2nd cousin love

2008-04-14T01:03:00.003-05:00

Today I had a really awesome experience. I went downtown and saw a traveling Broadway play that was stopping in Chicago. This wasn't just any show, I had some blood in this play. My 2nd cousin, Jonathan Crombie (known by some as "Gilbert Blythe" in Anne of Green Gables) was the big man in this one. It was really exciting to be able to see him in action (or see him at all!). The last time I saw Jonathan was years ago at his grandma's (my great aunt's) funeral.

Since we were children, my brother, sister and I have been following Jonathan's career. We have been so proud to call him family! Funny part is, despite the fact that he is such a staple in our lives, he doesn't really know us. Sure, he knows us like any 2nd cousin knows each other; he is aware that his mom's cousin (my mom) has kids...but what are their names again?!? Not that this is a bad thing, it's just interesting how surprised he seemed when I told him that we've always followed his career.

It's almost surreal to get to know someone when you are an adult, who has been a mystical figure of your entire childhood. So after meeting up after the show, getting a tour of backstage and having a rushed 'catch up' session, we parted ways. He had to pack up and catch a flight. We have numbers now and hopefully when he is back in town we will be able to get to know our elusive 2nd cousin a little bit better. Until then, what a great feeling when your reality and your childhood wonderment collide!

the bright side of the ultimate betrayal

2008-03-27T22:13:00.003-05:00

Today I had to do what anybody in social services dreads. I had to make my first hotline call. It was just as horrible as I imagined it would be. The ultimate betrayal of trust in a relationship where all I have been trying to do is build trust. How can we ever recover from this? How can she ever trust me again?

I have major doubts about making this call but I keep reminding myself that it's part of my job. Morally and legally I was required to make this call. In the long run I will never know if the call will do more damage than it will good. Sometimes hotline calls do nothing but harm. It's impossible for me to make that judgment call though.

On the bright side of the ultimate betrayal, this will be the biggest lesson in healthy relationships. People disappoint you, people don't always do what you want them to do or what you think they should have done, but you can work through it and rebuild the relationship. When the going gets rough, not everybody runs away. It is my responsibility to teach her that. It's all about re-framing.

I have so many emotions regarding this whole situation which makes it pretty apparent that I am a novice. I feel guilty and, at times, sick to my stomach. I hope I didn't tear this family apart for no reason.... But then again, how could I live with myself if I didn't act and something horrible would have happened?

Staying positive amongst the crap

2008-03-24T00:05:00.003-05:00

Tonight I have a question. The theme of my blog is supposed to be "keeping the blinds open". While I strive to follow my mantra, this metaphor on approaching life is idealistic at best. How do you stay positive amongst all the crap? At any given time (be it the best time of your life or the worst) there is going to be something horrible going on. Sometimes it may affect you indirectly, sometimes directly. How do you move past the bad and focus on the good?

I realize that life isn't black and white and most of the time we will have an unsteady balance of both. For me, it's hard to focus on the good. I tend to pick out the bad and magnify it x1000. After all, doesn't the bad usually seem so much worse that the good seems good? Maybe I am young and naive. I admit, I have a lot to learn.

So, if anybody is out there...how do I stay positive in a world that is constantly crying?

I may love you but I sure as hell don't like you!

2008-02-11T00:57:00.000-06:00

Liking and caring; to me, these terms are not mutually exclusive. I have been asked to elaborate on how I could possibly not like these kids that I work with but still care about them. Let me start by saying that some of these kids I really really like. Some of these kids are exceptionally unique individuals that show an astounding display of resiliency. Others are not very likable but I still care about them.

When I was a kid, my mom once told me, when I am sure I was being ridiculously bratty, that she may love me because I am her daughter, but she sure doesn't like me. At the time, that was devastating for me to hear. Now, I understand.

The kids that I work with have overcome a lot in their lives. Every type of abuse imaginable, neglect, abandonment, rejection...I could go on. I can't help but really care about their wellbeing. Even the ones that do everything in their power to get me to dislike them, I am still able to rise above that and say, "You know what? I really care about you. You can push me away as much as you want, but I am not going anywhere." There is a reason that they are unlikeable, its diagnostic of their pasts. If you're a likable person then people are going to get to know you, you are going to get to know people, and then they are just going to leave you one day. Why would you want to be likable when your history has proved to you that its detrimental to your wellbeing?

The sad truth is that most of them won't become success stories of the system. Some of them will end up in jail. Some will end up pregnant teens. Some will become addicted to drugs. I'll be lucky if one of these girls is able to live a successfully independent life without ending up with a record. That's why I said, this is a high burnout job. It is essential to be passionate to succeed in this line of work.

It's true, I may not like them, they may be impossible to form a healthy relationship with, but I want so badly for them to overcome their past and succeed in life. This is why I do it.

All in a days work....

2008-02-08T01:28:00.000-06:00

I got punched today at work.

Allow me to explain. I work at a residential treatment facility for children and adolescents. These kids are wards of the state who have suffered a lot of trauma in their lives. Due to the shitty life they were born into, their behavior problems are so severe that they have been sent to the 'last resort' place for help.

I am their therapist. I meet with them 3x per week in order to help them begin talking through their trauma. Today, on the unit that I work on, all of the girls were in crisis after crisis. Girls were being aggressive and getting restrained left and right. I am not usually involved in the direct line of things on the unit, I usually hide up in my office, but today they really needed another body on the unit.

So here I am, in the "den" on the unit when one of the girls decides she wants to call 911 on the phone. I walk up behind her and she turns around and punches me. I wasn't expecting that, although I guess I should have expected it. She is only 8 years old, but she is STRONG! She practically knocked the wind out of me! I recovered quickly, the girl was taken off the unit, and a few hours later she apologized to me. All is forgiven.

While I was shocked when I got punched, the truth is that this happens all the time. I am just not usually involved in the daily crisis' on the unit so I don't get physically accosted. The other staff however, they do all the time. One girl actually got her finger cut off and many times staff have had to go to the emergency room. In order to work in a place like this you really have to be passionate about it. It's a high burn-out job. Some of these kids, you never really grow to like; however, I think that you end up really caring about all of them.

I am sure this is just the beginning of many more punches to come.